CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY MGM HOME ENTERTAINMENT
¶ LIFE IS A BALL ¶
¶ IF YOU HAVE THE BOUNCE TO LIVE IT ¶
¶ A LOLLIPOP, ANY FLAVOR, SWEET OR SOUR ¶
¶ BUT YOU CAN'T TAKE WITHOUT GIVING ¶
¶ THAT'S ALL PART OF LIVING ¶
¶ FOR LOVE IS TO SHARE-- ¶
¶ IT'S YOURS, IT'S MINE, IT'S OURS! ¶
¶ SOMETIMES IT SEEMS LIKE WE'RE GOIN' ROUND IN CIRCLES ¶
¶ AND WE GET HUNG UP ON EVERY LITTLE THING ¶
¶ PICK UP YOUR TOYS ¶
¶ MAKE YOUR BED ¶
¶ OFF THE TELEPHONE ¶
¶ WHY DO THEY ACT JUST LIKE CHILDREN? ¶
¶ IT'S A GARDEN THAT'S FULL OF NOISY FLOWERS ¶
¶ AND THEY'RE ALL YOURS, MINE, AND OURS ¶
¶ WE RISE AND SHINE EVERY MORNING ¶
¶ BRIGHT AND EARLY ¶
¶ GO SOMEWHERE ELSE IF YOU WANT TO SLEEP TILL NOON ¶
¶ BICYCLE-RIDING AND SKATING ¶
¶ HAND-HOLDING AND DATING ¶
¶ THE SOUND OF GUITARS NOT QUITE IN TUNE ¶
¶ JUST LIKE A SHIP SAILING HOME ACROSS THE OCEAN ¶
¶ SOME DAYS ARE CALM ¶
¶ BUT YOU KNOW WHEN IT GETS ROUGH ¶
¶ IT'S GONNA TAKE EVERYBODY ¶
¶ ALL HANDS ON DECK ¶
¶ IF WE WORK TOGETHER, WE'LL MAKE IT ¶
¶ ON THE WAY THERE'LL BE SUNSHINE, THERE'LL BE SHOWERS ¶
¶ AND THEY'LL BE YOURS ¶
¶ MINE ¶
EVERYBODY!
¶ AND THEY'LL BE YOURS ¶
¶ MINE ¶
¶ AND OURS ¶
Frank: 0900.
IN A FEW SHORT HOURS, I WAS GOING INTO COMBAT...
AGAINST MY OWN CHILDREN.
ANYONE WHO HAS A CHILD KNOWS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
THAT'S THE REAL WAR--
OUR GENERATION AGAINST THEIRS.
STANDING ON THAT DECK SURROUNDED BY THOUSANDS OF MEN,
I SUDDENLY FELT SMALLER AND LONELIER
THAN I'D EVER FELT IN MY LIFE.
I'D BEEN THROUGH THIS SAME GOLDEN GATE
WHEN FRANCES HAD DIED
AND I'D COME HOME ON EMERGENCY LEAVE.
NOW I WAS BACK FOR GOOD.
I'D LEFT MORE THAN MY HEART IN SAN FRANCISCO--
10 CHILDREN, TO BE EXACT.
AS WE SAILED UNDER THAT BRIDGE,
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT I WAS PASSING UNDER MY FUTURE.
BECAUSE WHILE I WAS GOING HOME TO FACE MY FAMILY,
HELEN WAS BRINGING HERS TO A NEW LIFE IN A NEW CITY.
Helen: AND DON'T THINK I WASN'T FRIGHTENED.
I HAD BECOME A NAVY WIDOW.
I THOUGHT IT WAS A GOOD IDEA TO GET A FRESH START
WHERE THE SURROUNDINGS WOULDN'T REMIND ME OF DICK.
BUT FOUR OF MY SURROUNDINGS LOOKED EXACTLY LIKE HIM.
WHAT TROUBLED ME MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE WAS THAT THE KIDS
SEEMED MORE UPSET ABOUT LEAVING THEIR FRIENDS IN SEATTLE
THAN BY THE LOSS OF THEIR FATHER.
TOOK ME A LONG TIME TO LEARN
HOW LITTLE I KNEW ABOUT CHILDREN,
ESPECIALLY MY OWN.
Frank: AS THE SHIP SAILED IN, I TOOK A GOOD LOOK AROUND
BECAUSE I KNEW I'D COMPLETED MY LAST TOUR ABOARD HER.
MY BROTHER HOWARD AND HIS WIFE HAD BEEN CARING FOR MY KIDS,
BUT NOW IT WAS DADDY'S TURN.
SO, I STARTED DOWN THE GANGPLANK,
BLISSFULLY CERTAIN I WAS DOING THE RIGHT THING,
NOBLY SACRIFICING MYSELF FOR MY CHILDREN,
GIVING UP MY WORLD FOR THEIRS,
PULLING AWAY FOREVER FROM SHIPS AND OCEANS AND HOMECOMINGS
TO TAKE UP SHORE DUTY.
PAPA CAME MARCHING HOME,
SECURE IN THE KNOWLEDGE THAT THEY NEEDED ME DESPERATELY
AND WOULD BE OVERJOYED THAT I'D COME BACK TO THEM,
BUT THEY CONTROLLED THEIR FEELINGS BEAUTIFULLY.
IT WAS THE SORT OF WELCOME THAT COULD MAKE ANY FATHER
REVIEW HIS POSITION ON THE QUESTION OF BIRTH CONTROL.
INCREDIBLE AS IT MAY SOUND, I THINK THEY BLAME ME
FOR NEGLECTING THEIR MOTHER ALL THOSE YEARS.
BUT IT SEEMED TO ME THERE WAS ENOUGH PHYSICAL EVIDENCE
THAT I HADN'T NEGLECTED HER COMPLETELY.
I SUPPOSE WHAT THEY REALLY COULDN'T UNDERSTAND
WAS WHY I WAS ALLOWING MY BROTHER AND HIS WIFE
TO TAKE GERMAINE AND JOAN AWAY FROM THE FAMILY.
THERE YOU GO, BABY.
COME ON. COME WITH UNCLE HOWARD.
YOU COULDN'T TAKE CARE OF TWO LITTLE BABIES.
THEY'LL BE MUCH HAPPIER WITH US FOR A WHILE.
I HOPE YOU LEARN TO MANAGE THE REST.
YOU'VE HARDLY BEEN HOME LONG ENOUGH
TO LEARN THEIR NAMES.
I'M HOME NOW. I'LL MANAGE.
DON'T YOU WORRY.
BYE, PUMPKIN.
BYE, BABY.
DON'T GIVE THEM ANY TROUBLE.
IF YOU LIVE THROUGH THIS,
THE NAVY WILL HAVE TO GET A NEW MEDAL FOR YOU.
GOOD LUCK, FRANK.
YOU'RE GOING TO NEED IT.
Children: BYE! BYE!
WELL, LET'S GET SOMETHING TO EAT.
THEY'RE NOT GOING TO AN ORPHANAGE, YOU KNOW.
THEY'RE A HALF A MILE AWAY. YOU CAN SEE THEM ANYTIME.
SUSAN, LOUISE, COME ON.
IT'S ONLY UNTIL I GET THINGS STRAIGHTENED OUT.
THEN WHAT?
PLANNING ON AUCTIONING OFF THE REST OF US?
WHERE WOULD I FIND A BIDDER?
COME ON, LET'S GET DINNER ORGANIZED.
WHICH ONE OF US DO YOU WANT TO COOK?
THE WAR WAS ON.
Frank: I PUT AN AD IN THE PAPER FOR A HOUSEKEEPER
THAT BROUGHT IMMEDIATE RESULTS.
THE FIRST ONE LASTED AN ENTIRE DAY.
THE SECOND ONE LASTED 7 DAYS.
WE DISCOVERED SHE WAS HIDING FROM THE POLICE.
AFTER A WEEK WITH US, SHE TURNED HERSELF IN.
NO WONDER MEN GO DOWN TO THE SEA IN SHIPS.
I'D HAVE GONE BACK IN A LIFE RAFT.
Helen: I HAD RENTED AN IDEAL HOUSE
CLOSE TO THE NAVY BASE
SO I COULD WORK PART-TIME IN THE DISPENSARY,
CLOSE TO THE SCHOOL, CLOSE TO THE PLAYGROUND,
AND A LITTLE TOO CLOSE TO THE BOY NEXT DOOR.
I WAS BROAD-MINDED ABOUT IT, THOUGH.
I WAS GOING TO GIVE THAT BOY 2 MORE SECONDS
BEFORE I WENT PUT THERE AND BROKE IT UP.
[CHILDREN SCREAMING]
COME ON. BE QUIET!
I HATE ANTS! I HATE ANTS!
OH, COME ON!
THIS IS REALLY STUPID!
LISTEN! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I HATE ANTS!
NEVER MIND THAT. THAT BELONGS TO HER.
WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?
YOU'VE BEEN ACTING LIKE THIS ALL WEEK.
MOTHER, HOW'S A PERSON SUPPOSED TO HEAR?
Helen: COLLEEN, WHAT'S GOING ON
BETWEEN YOU AND THAT BOY?
AND I DON'T CARE
IF HE DOES LOOK LIKE PAUL NEWMAN.
IS THE SPANKING OVER?
NO. IT IS NOT OVER.
LISTEN, WHAT'S GOTTEN INTO YOU LATELY?
WHERE'S THAT GOOD BOY THAT USED TO LIVE HERE?
I'LL NEVER BE A GOOD BOY AGAIN!
I DON'T WANT TO DIE!
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
NICKY TOLD ME THAT THE GOOD DIE YOUNG,
AND THAT'S WHY DADDY DIED!
YOU CAN HIT ME AND HIT ME,
BUT I'LL NEVER BE A GOOD BOY AGAIN!
Frank: FUNNY, THE BEGINNING OF THE SCHOOL YEAR
NEVER HAD BEEN A PROBLEM TO FRANCES.
THE GIRLS JUST PASSED THEIR DRESSES DOWN
AND IT ALL SORT OF CAME OUT EVEN.
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN 5 YEARS OLD
AND FORCED TO APPEAR IN PUBLIC
IN A DRESS THAT HAD 3 FORMER OWNERS
RESTYLED BY AN OLD SAIL MAKER?
5 YEARS OLD AND NO FUTURE AT ALL.
[SIGHS]
Helen: AND THEN ONE DAY FRANK AND I
JUST HAPPENED TO RUN INTO EACH OTHER.
Frank: I'D BEEN WRAPPED UP IN MY CHILDREN FOR SO LONG
THAT GETTING THIS CLOSE TO AN ATTRACTIVE WOMAN
SET MY EARLY-WARNING RADAR PULSING FRANTICALLY.
Helen: I WAS GLAD TO HAVE A REASON
FOR A SECOND LOOK MYSELF.
DID YOU REQUISITION
THOSE FRESNEL LENSES WE NEED?
I'LL ANSWER THAT TOMORROW.
THE WORKING DAY HAS CEASED.
JUST STARTING FOR ME. DROP ME AT THE HOUSE.
FRANK, DO YOU REALIZE THE OFFICERS CLUB
IS JAM-PACKED WITH TWO-LEGGED GOODIES?
WE OWE IT TO OUR BRETHREN AT SEA
TO DO UNTO OTHERS AS THEY WOULD
IF THEY HAD OUR CHANCE.
DARRELL, IT MAY COME AS A SHOCK TO YOU,
BUT THERE ARE OTHER THINGS IN LIFE
BESIDES GIRLS.
YEAH, WOMEN.
NOW DON'T TELL ME IT ISN'T ON YOUR MIND.
ANY FELLA WHO HAS 10 CHILDREN
JUST DOESN'T QUIT COLD TURKEY,
AND IF YOU'D ONLY JUST--
HEY! WHY DON'T YOU WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GO--
OH, HELLO.
HI!
WELL, OLD SAM THE HERMIT
GETS OUT OF THE CAVE ONCE IN A WHILE.
SHE HAD MY CREAM OF WHEAT. I HAD HER POST TOASTIES.
WHAT?
I SAW HER AT THE COMMISSARY.
FRANK, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
ARE YOU GOING TO BE AN OLD MAID
THE REST OF YOUR LIFE?
YOU THINK THAT'S WHAT FRANCES WOULD HAVE WANTED?
PROBABLY NOT, BUT GIVE ME TIME.
TIME? YOU'RE A BORDERLINE CASE.
YOU MAY ONLY HAVE
A FEW MORE CRUISES LEFT IN YOU.
COME ON IN. I'LL BUY YOU A BEER.
I THOUGHT YOU'D NEVER ASK ME.
YOU CAN STOP WORRYING ABOUT ME.
THINGS ARE LOOKING UP.
I FINALLY FOUND A HOUSEKEEPER
WHO SEEMS TO HAVE STAYING POWER.
SOON I'LL ASK YOU TO LOAN ME
YOUR LITTLE BLACK BOOK, BUT RIGHT NOW--
WHERE ARE YOU GOING, MRS. ANDERSON?
MRS. ANDERSON WAS LAST WEEK!
I'M MRS. FERGUSON. MAIL ME MY CHECK!
SHE LEFT HER BROOMSTICK.
ALL RIGHT. WHAT HAPPENED THIS TIME?
WHO DID WHAT TO MRS. FERGUSON?
IT WAS AWFUL.
ONE AT A TIME. ONE AT A TIME.
SHE AND LOUISE HAD A FIGHT.
A BAD FIGHT.
LOUISE WOULDN'T COME OUT OF THE BATHROOM.
SHE TOOK A BATH FOR AN HOUR.
THEY WERE YELLING AT EACH OTHER.
IS THAT STRAWBERRY JAM?
RASPBERRY.
SHE STARTED SHAKING HER
OR SHE SLIPPED ON THE SOAP.
ANYWAY, SHE FELL.
SHE DIDN'T FALL. SHE FAINTED.
RIGHT ON THE FLOOR.
SO, ANYWAY, WHEN MRS. FERGUSON CAME OUT,
I WAS KIND OF MAD, AND I HAD TO PUSH HER.
[CHILDREN YELLING]
HOLD IT! WAIT A MINUTE!
LOUISE FAINTED? WHERE IS SHE?
IN HER ROOM CRYING. SHE WON'T LET US IN.
WE TRIED!
I THINK SHE'S DYING.
AND WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN PLAYING WITH?
INK.
HMM. INDELIBLE.
LOUISE.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN YOU AND MRS. FERGUSON?
I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!
LEAVE ME ALONE!
MARY SAID YOU FAINTED. IS SOMETHING WRONG?
I WISH I COULD GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE
AND DROWN MYSELF, THAT'S ALL!
AT LEAST I'D BE ALONE!
LET ME TAKE YOU TO THE DISPENSARY.
NO, I DON'T WANT TO SEE ANY DOCTORS
AND I DON'T WANT THEM TO SEE ME!
NO, PLEASE, I DON'T WANT TO!
NO! STOP IT! I DON'T WANT TO!
NO! PUT ME DOWN!
I DON'T WANT TO GO! PLEASE!
I DON'T WANT TO! NO!
MR. BEARDSLEY.
HOW IS SHE?
FINE. NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT. MAY I TALK TO YOU?
PRIVATELY.
I FORGOT MY POST TOASTIES.
MR. BEARDSLEY, WE'VE SCARCELY MET,
BUT I FEEL I MUST TALK TO YOU ABOUT THIS.
OF COURSE.
YOUR DAUGHTER TELLS ME THAT YOU'RE A WIDOWER.
YES. THAT'S RIGHT.
I'M AWFULLY SORRY.
LOUISE SEEMS TO FEEL
THE LOSS OF HER MOTHER VERY DEEPLY.
ON TOP OF THAT, SHE'S GOING THROUGH
A VERY TRYING TIME EMOTIONALLY.
I DON'T QUITE UNDERSTAND.
AM I BEING STUPID?
NO. YOU'RE BEING A MAN,
WHICH IS SOMETIMES THE SAME THING.
OH, YOU CAN LEARN TO DO THE SHOPPING,
MAYBE EVEN DO THE DISHES, BUT...
BUT THAT DOESN'T EXACTLY MAKE YOU A MOTHER.
WELL, I'M NOT REALLY CUT OUT FOR THE JOB.
WELL, IT SEEMS THAT...
IT'S NOT BEEN EASY FOR LOUISE
TO EXPLAIN TO YOU THAT--
YOU KNOW, A TREE CAN BLOSSOM
IN THE MIDDLE OF A BUSY CITY,
BUT A YOUNG GIRL NEEDS PRIVACY.
SHE HASN'T BEEN ABLE TO FIND IT AT HOME.
SO IF SHE'S BEEN EMOTIONAL OR UPSET
OR EVEN A LITTLE HYSTERICAL,
IT'S BECAUSE SHE'S GROWING UP
AND SUDDENLY CHANGING.
IS THAT ALL? WHY DIDN'T SHE TELL ME?
BECAUSE YOU WOULD HAVE SAID, "IS THAT ALL?"
SHE SAID THAT SHE'S BEEN VERY UPSET
ABOUT HAVING TO SHARE HER ROOM AT HOME.
AND TODAY WHEN THE MAID WALKED IN
WHILE SHE WAS TAKING A BATH,
SHE WAS JUST SO EMBARRASSED--
POOR LOUISE,
STOPPED BEING A LITTLE GIRL AND I NEVER NOTICED.
IF IT'S ANY HELP, I UNDERSTAND.
I'M A WIDOW
AND I HAVE THE SAME PROBLEM IN REVERSE.
NOW I'M SORRY.
HAVE YOU BEEN ALONE VERY LONG?
FOREVER.
ALMOST A YEAR NOW.
I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.
DICK WAS A NAVIGATOR.
CRASHED. ROUTINE TRAINING FLIGHT.
NAVY?
WHAT ELSE IS THERE?
MM-HMM. CHILDREN?
THEY SAY IT'S TOUGHEST ON THE KIDS,
BUT THEY HAVEN'T CONVINCED ME.
I KNOW.
AND RIGHT NOW I THINK YOU HAVE
A RATHER DIFFICULT ASSIGNMENT
WITH YOUR DAUGHTER.
GO IN AND TALK TO HER AND TAKE HER HOME.
THANK YOU, MRS...
NORTH. HELEN.
THANK YOU, NORTH HELEN.
WHEN ARE YOU ON DUTY HERE?
AFTERNOONS, 5 DAYS A WEEK.
ANY OF MY KIDS GET SICK ON THE WEEKEND,
I'LL HOLD THEM OVER.
HI.
HOW DO YOU FEEL?
I'M FINE. CAN I GO HOME NOW?
SURE.
TURN AROUND.
[SPEAKING FRENCH]
[TURNS OFF TELEVISION]
[SPEAKING FRENCH ON TV]
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
HELLO.
IS THIS NORTH HELEN?
UH...YES.
WHO IS THIS?
THIS IS FRANK BEARDSLEY.
OH, ARE YOU HAVING MORE PROBLEMS?
NO, NO. I JUST CALLED TO THANK YOU
FOR HELPING ME WITH MY DAUGHTER TODAY.
WELL, NOW, THAT'S THE WORST REASON
I EVER HEARD FOR CALLING A WOMAN
AT 11:00 AT NIGHT.
WELL, I'M A LITTLE OUT OF PRACTICE.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, SO AM I.
OH, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, ASK HER OUT TO DINNER.
WHO'S THAT?
COLLEEN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING
ON THIS PHONE?
I HAVE TO MAKE A VERY IMPORTANT CALL,
AND HE GETS OFF DUTY AT THE TACO STAND AT 11:15.
COLLEEN, HANG UP!
I'M SORRY.
DON'T BE. I COULD NEVER HAVE DONE IT WITHOUT HER.
HOW ABOUT DINNER TOMORROW NIGHT?
WELL, I...
MOTHER, IT'S 11:14!
WHAT TIME WOULD YOU LIKE TO PICK ME UP?
AYE AYE, SIR. ABOUT 1900?
GOOD NIGHT, HELEN.
GOOD NIGHT, FRANK.
GOOD NIGHT, COLLEEN.
OH, MOTHER, DON'T BLINK.
YOU'VE GOT TO LET THE GLUE DRY!
BUT I LOOK RIDICULOUS
WITH THIS GOOP ON MY EYES.
MOMMY, YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.
THANK YOU, BUT IS IT NECESSARY
THAT I WEAR THESE EYELASHES?
I GOT YOUR FATHER WITHOUT THEM.
BUT YOU WERE YOUNGER THEN.
HERE GOES THE OTHER SIDE.
HOLD STEADY.
OK, LET ME TAKE IT NOW.
MOTHER.
WHAT?
IS HE HANDSOME?
I MEAN, IN AN OLD SORT OF WAY?
GEE! I CAN HARDLY WAIT TO MEET HIM.
ME, TOO!
LET'S NOT OVERWHELM HIM WITH FAMILY,
NOT THE FIRST DATE.
YOU MEAN HE DOESN'T KNOW ABOUT US?
OF COURSE HE DOES, DARLING.
ALL OF US?
OH, MOTHER, THAT'S SO ROMANTIC!
YOU LIED TO HIM!
I DID NOT LIE TO HIM.
I DIDN'T HAVE THE NERVE
TO TELL HIM THE WHOLE TRUTH.
NO MAN WANTS A LIAISON
WITH A WOMAN WITH 8 CHILDREN.
WHAT'S A LIAISON?
AN AFFAIR.
THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.
ME, TOO.
I'M NOT HAVING AN AFFAIR OR A LIAISON!
I'M MERELY GOING TO DINNER.
A SOON AS I TELL HIM ABOUT ALL OF YOU,
HE'LL BRING ME HOME IN PLENTY OF TIME FOR DESSERT.
MIKE, SEE THAT IT'S LIGHTS OUT BY 10:00.
10:00? WE'RE BACK IN KINDERGARTEN?
THEY STAY UP LATER IN PRISON.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO MOVE?
MIKE, WHEN YOU FINISH WITH THE SLOT CARS
WILL YOU SPEND 10 MINUTES WITH YOUR GEOMETRY BOOK?
FLOWERS, POP?
IS THAT CORNY. HOW DO YOU EXPECT
TO MAKE ANY TIME WITH THAT APPROACH?
WE'RE GOING TO DINNER. IT ISN'T A LOVE-IN.
YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN.
NO SUCH LUCK.
DID YOU TELL THE LADY YOU HAVE 10 CHILDREN,
2 OF THEM GIVEN AWAY?
YOU BET HE DIDN'T.
HE'LL HAND HER THOSE FLOWERS
AND THEN GIVE HER A SNOW JOB
ON HOW LONELY IT IS HERE AT HOME.
YOU LISTEN TO ME, EVERY TIME IN THE LAST YEAR
THAT I'VE DARED TAKE A WOMAN TO DINNER
OR BEEN RECKLESS ENOUGH TO BRING HER HOME TO MEET YOU KIDS,
YOU'VE ALL MADE HER UNWELCOME AND UNHAPPY.
WELL, I'VE HAD IT. I'M DOING ALL I CAN FOR YOU.
LITTLE AS THAT IS, I DESERVE SOME CONSIDERATION.
I SUPPOSE I'M BEING UNFAIR. WHO DID THIS?
MY GENERATION IS SUPPOSED TO BE THE GIVERS,
YOUR GENERATION THE TAKERS.
WELL, IT'S TIME TO STRIKE A BLOW FOR FREEDOM.
FROM NOW ON, I INTEND TO THINK OF MYSELF FIRST.
IF THIS BE TREASON, MAKE THE MOST OF IT.
BUT ARE YOU GOING TO TELL HER?
YES, I'M GOING TO TELL HER!
OH, YOU'RE GOING TO BE A KNOCKOUT!
YEAH, MOM. YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.
THANK YOU, DARLING.
GOOD HEAVENS!
WHAT DID YOU DO TO THIS DRESS?
OH, MOTHER, IT WAS PRACTICALLY AN ANTIQUE!
WE SHORTENED IT A LITTLE.
A LITTLE? I LOOK LIKE A TEENYBOPPER!
WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
I CAN'T GO OUT IN THIS!
YOUR LEGS ARE BETTER THAN MINE.
IT'S OK. WE'LL SHORTEN THE SLIP.
OH, HEAVENS!
JEAN, RUN DOWN AND TELL TOMMY TO WHISTLE
THE MINUTE HE SEES MR. BEARDSLEY.
BUT I WANT TO WATCH.
PLEASE, JEAN.
STAND STILL,
OR YOU'LL GET THIS PIN STUCK IN YOU.
GREAT. I'M PUT TOGETHER WITH PINS AND GLUE.
IF IT'S WINDY, I'M IN TROUBLE.
[WHISTLE]
THERE HE IS! HURRY UP! HURRY UP!
WOW! LOOK AT THAT CAR!
HE'S IN THE NAVY!
LOOK AT THAT JACKET!
HE'S GOT FLOWERS FOR MOM.
HE HAS BLUE EYES!
WOW! HE'S LUCKY!
BOY, HE'S SURE GOOD-LOOKING.
ALL RIGHT.
AW, COME ON! AW!
[DOORBELL RINGS]
GET AWAY FROM THE DOOR!
GET AWAY FROM THAT DOOR!
Get back! Get back!
OH! HELLO THERE.
WE BETTER HURRY.
I KNOW YOU LIKE TO GET PLACES ON TIME.
I DO?
WHERE ARE WE GOING?
SAN FRANCISCO. A LITTLE PLACE--
OH, I BOUGHT YOU SOME FLOWERS.
OH, THANK YOU. THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL.
SHOULDN'T YOU PUT THEM IN SOME WATER?
OF COURSE. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING.
THEY'RE MY FAVORITE.
BEAUTIFUL NIGHT, ISN'T IT?
Helen: I HAD A WONDERFUL TIME AT DINNER.
I DIDN'T KNOW WHETHER IT WAS THE FOOD, FRANK,
OR THE FACT I DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THE DISHES.
Frank: I COULDN'T STOP TALKING.
I TOLD HER ABOUT FRANCES, THE NAVY,
THE NEW CARRIER LANDING SYSTEM I WAS WORKING ON.
I TOLD HER ABOUT EVERYTHING BUT THE CHILDREN.
FUNNY HOW THAT NEVER CAME UP.
I FIGURED IT WOULD BE EASY OVER AN IRISH COFFEE.
Helen: WHILE FRANK WAS GETTING THE DRINKS,
I WAS TRYING TO FIGURE OUT
THE MOST GRACEFUL WAY TO BREAK IT TO HIM.
BY THE WAY, I HAVE 8 CHILDREN.
SPEAKING OF 8 CHILDREN, THAT'S WHAT I HAVE. HA!
HAVE I MENTIONED THAT I HAVE 8 CHILDREN?
I HAVE 8 CHILDREN.
DON'T LOOK AT ME. I JUST GOT HERE.
EXCUSE ME, PLEASE.
PARDON ME.
OH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
THAT'S WHY I COME IN THIS PLACE.
WHAT'S YOUR EXCUSE?
PARDON ME, SIR.
OOH! I'M SORRY.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
THAT'S WHY I COME TO THIS PLACE.
WHAT?
THAT'S THE LINE I PICKED UP
ON THE WAY BACK FROM THE BAR.
I DON'T KNOW.
YOU MAY HAVE TO DRINK THIS THROUGH YOUR EAR.
FRANK, THERE'S SOMETHING I WANT TO TELL YOU.
WHAT?
UH, THAT WAS A WONDERFUL DINNER
WE HAD TONIGHT.
I ENJOYED ALL 8 COURSES.
SO DID I.
AND SPEAKING OF CHILDREN...
WE WEREN'T SPEAKING OF CHILDREN.
OH, THANK GOODNESS.
TONIGHT THERE ARE NO CHILDREN IN THE WORLD.
WE'RE ALL ALONE ON THIS DESERT ISLAND.
JUST YOU AND ME
AND THE NATIVE WHO MAKES IRISH COFFEE.
I'LL DRINK TO THAT.
HELEN.
YES, FRANK.
THERE'S SOMETHING I'VE BEEN MEANING TO TELL YOU.
WHAT?
NO, I WANT YOU TO LOOK AT ME FIRST.
COME ON. LOOK AT ME.
JUST A MOMENT.
Woman: MAY I HAVE A LIGHT?
NOT ON YOUR LIFE, SWEETHEART.
RIDICULOUS.
IS SOMETHING WRONG?
NO. WHAT DID YOU WANT TO TELL ME?
WELL, THIS IS THE LAST TIME
I'M GOING TO BRING UP THIS SUBJECT,
BUT YOU DO LIKE CHILDREN, DON'T YOU?
YEAH, WITHIN REASON.
IN THAT CASE, THE HELL WITH IT.
NO. SINCE YOU BROUGHT IT UP,
I'VE BEEN MEANING TO TELL YOU...
WHAT?
WELL...AGH--
WHAT?
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
I BEG YOUR PARDON!
SOMETHING WRONG?
AH, YES. FRANK, I HAVE A CRAVING FOR A CIGARETTE.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'LL DO IF I DON'T GET ONE.
I MAY HAVE A NICOTINE FIT.
COULD YOU GET ME A PACK FROM THE MACHINE?
BRAND? KING SIZE OR REGULAR? FILTER OR NON-FILTER?
YEAH. WONDERFUL, AND HURRY.
HERE. HOLD THIS.
OH!
Darrell: HELLO, NURSE!
DARRELL!
WELL, HELEN!
HELLO, DARRELL.
OH.
YOUR IRISH COFFEE IS WINKING AT ME.
OH, DARRELL, HELP ME.
DOES THIS HAPPEN OFTEN OR ONLY DURING MOLTING SEASON?
HURRY, PLEASE.
DON'T YOU WORRY, HONEY. I'M VERY GOOD AT THIS.
I'VE GOT AN ADMIRAL WITH A LOOSE TOUPEE.
COMING THROUGH.
PARDON ME.
I'M SORRY.
BACK FOR SECONDS?
DARRELL, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? CHAPERONING?
I'VE BEEN HERE SINCE YESTERDAY.
I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO GET OUT.
YOU HAVEN'T BEEN TRYING. CIGARETTE?
NO, THANKS. I DON'T SMOKE.
WHAT DID YOU DO TO YOUR EYE?
WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY EYE?
DON'T LISTEN TO HIM. IT'S PERFECT.
LET'S DRINK TO THE PERFECT COUPLE,
TWO PEOPLE WHO HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON.
IT'S POSITIVELY NAUSEATING.
TO OUR NURSE.
I JUST FOUND OUT SHE HAS A FAMILY OF--
OH, I'M SO SORRY.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT. I'M USED TO IT.
OVER AT FRANK'S WHEN THEY PASS THE SOUP,
IT'S LIKE NIAGARA FALLS.
HE HAPPENS TO HAVE A FA--
I'M SORRY.
SURE IS A ROUGH SEA TONIGHT.
IT'S VERY CROWDED IN HERE.
YEAH. SPEAKING OF CROWDS,
YOU TWO KIDS REALLY BELONG TO EACH OTHER.
I JUST FOUND OUT SHE'S THE MOTHER OF--
SQUEEZING THROUGH.
WHO PUSHED ME?
OH, HERE, LET ME HELP YOU.
IF YOU TWO WANT TO BE ALONE,
WHY DON'T YOU GIVE A GUY A HINT?
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
YEAH.
FRANK?
WHAT? HOW COULD YOU LOSE YOUR SLIP?
SHH! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS.
IT'S BACK THERE SOMEPLACE.
DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT FLOATING EYELASH.
OH, YOU ARE A TIGER, AREN'T YOU?
RRAHHRR!
FRANK, BEFORE WE GO ANY FURTHER,
THERE'S SOMETHING I HAVE TO TELL YOU.
NOW WHAT FELL OFF?
NO. NOTHING LIKE THAT.
I WISH IT WERE SOMETHING THAT TRIVIAL.
FRANK...
I HAVE 8 CHILDREN.
8 CHILDREN!
4 BOYS. 4 GIRLS.
DIFFERENT AGES.
FRANK! FRANK! WE'RE ON A CABLE CAR!
OF COURSE.
I GET SICK ON CABLE CARS!
WAIT TILL YOU HEAR WHAT I HAVE TO TELL YOU.
WHAT?
I HAVE 10 CHILDREN.
10? 10!
10?!
3 BOYS. 5 GIRLS.
THAT'S ONLY 8.
OH, AND 2 ON LOAN-OUT.
FRANK, 8 AND 10 IS...
RIDICULOUS.
HELEN, LET'S GET OFF THIS DAMN THING.
NOW I'M FEELING SICK.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, 2 ON LOAN-OUT?
A MAN ALONE, I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO KEEP
A FAMILY THAT LARGE TOGETHER.
MY BROTHER AND SISTER-IN-LAW
HAVE BEEN TAKING CARE OF THE TWO YOUNGEST.
OH, THAT'S AWFUL.
THAT'S WHAT MY KIDS SAY.
THEY HATE ME FOR IT, AND I'M ON THEIR SIDE.
I WISH YOU HAD KNOWN DICK.
WHAT WAS HE LIKE?
LIKE YOU IN MANY WAYS--
ALL WRAPPED UP IN THE NAVY AND HIS CHILDREN.
AND IN YOU?
FRANK, I WANT TO THANK YOU
FOR A WONDERFUL EVENING.
IT WAS NICE KNOWING YOU.
WHAT? YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'D LIKE TO BUY YOU SOMETHING.
OH, FRANK, THAT ISN'T NECESSARY.
A SOUVENIR OF OUR FIRST AND LAST DATE.
HOW ABOUT THAT BUDDHA?
OH, NO. THAT LOOKS LIKE REAL JADE.
HOW ABOUT THAT LITTLE FAN?
55 CENTS WORTH OF MEMORIES?
THAT'S A PRETTY LITTLE LADY.
YOU HAVE EXCELLENT TASTE.
THIS IS A CHINESE GODDESS
WHO CONFERS HER MAGICAL POWERS ON ALL WHO GAZE UPON HER.
WHAT'S SHE CALLED?
KUAN-YIN.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
JOYOUS SYMBOL OF FERTILITY.
WAVE HIM OFF. BRING HIM AROUND AGAIN.
WAVE IT OFF AND BRING IT AROUND AGAIN.
WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME SHE HAD 8 KIDS?
WHY DIDN'T I TELL YOU?
I GOT THIRD-DEGREE IRISH COFFEE BURNS
TRYING TO TELL YOU.
BUT DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT A THING.
I'VE GOT A FEW LESS CROWDED LADIES
WHO'LL KNOCK YOUR HAT OFF.
DROP THE SUBJECT. I'VE HAD IT.
YOU HAVEN'T. THAT'S WHAT WORRIES ME.
YOU'VE BEEN IN DRY DOCK FOR TOO LONG.
ASK HIM TO MOVE THE BALL AROUND.
TELL HIM TO COME IN LOW, CHECK THE RED CELL.
MOVE THE BALL AROUND. CHECK THE RED CELL,
AND BRING IT ON IN.
WHAT GIRL WILL SPEND AN SWINGING EVENING
WITH A MAN WHO HAS 10 CHILDREN?
A GIRL WHO DOESN'T KNOW IT.
YOU WANT ME TO LIE?
NO. JUST DON'T BRING THE SUBJECT UP.
HERE HE COMES.
3-4 PADDLES, NICE PASS.
I KNOW A QUIET LITTLE JAPANESE RESTAURANT.
I'LL MAKE THE RESERVATIONS.
MADELINE LOVE.
NOW, THERE'S A GIRL
WHO'S DEFINITELY NOT A TALKER.
WHAT SORT OF A GIRL IS SHE?
DOES THAT ANSWER YOUR QUESTION?
NO, DARRELL.
AND STOP TRYING TO ARRANGE MY LIFE.
HELEN, I'M SURPRISED YOU HAVEN'T MET HIM.
MAKE A FIST.
OW!
I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING YET.
I WAS PRACTICING.
HE'S A WONDERFUL DOCTOR.
THE KIND WHO SCRUBS FOR A DATE.
TREMENDOUS REPUTATION. 9 HANDICAP.
NOW.
OW!
NO MORE DATES.
DON'T THINK OF HIM AS A DATE.
THINK OF HIM AS A MEAL.
I KNOW A QUIET LITTLE JAPANESE RESTAURANT.
I'LL MAKE THE RESERVATIONS.
DON'T RUSH ME.
WHAT DOES HE LOOK LIKE?
I HATE TO USE THE WORD ADONIS,
BUT THERE'S NO OTHER WAY TO SAY IT.
TOUCH OF GRAY, VERY DISTINGUISHED.
IS HE TALL?
HE USED TO BE A BASKETBALL PLAYER.
HMM.
I HAD TO LIE, OF COURSE.
ANYBODY WHO KNEW FRANK AND HELEN
KNEW THEY BELONGED TOGETHER.
I JUST HAD TO LET THEM STUMBLE OVER EACH OTHER.
YOU HAVE TO DO THAT
WITH THE MARRYING KIND OF PEOPLE.
Darrell: I TOLD HER DR. ASHFORD WAS ABOUT 6'2", 6'3".
A HARMLESS, LITTLE WHITE LIE.
Helen: I WONDERED IF THE DOCTOR WOULD BE SO ATTENTIVE
IF I SAID I HAD 3 CHILDREN TALLER THAN HE WAS.
Frank: DARRELL'S ARRANGEMENT HADN'T UTTERED A WORD
SINCE I'D PICKED HER UP.
I HAD NO IDEA WHAT WAS ON HER MIND
UNTIL WE DREW UP IN FRONT OF THE RESTAURANT.
THERE. I HATE SUSPENSE, DON'T YOU?
NOW YOU KNOW, AND I KNOW.
LET'S HAVE A QUICK DINNER.
KEEP THE MOTOR RUNNING.
DARRELL SAID WE HAD A LOT IN COMMON.
OH?
YOU'RE A NURSE. I'M A DOCTOR.
OH.
WHAT'S YOUR SPECIALTY?
OBSTETRICS.
Helen: DARRELL HAD A MALICIOUS SENSE OF HUMOR.
I WAS UPSET THAT FRANK HAD SEEN ME WITH DR. ASHFORD.
I DON'T KNOW WHY.
Frank: FOR SOME STUPID REASON,
I HAD THE FEELING I WAS BEING UNFAITHFUL,
AND MADELINE HAD ONLY TAKEN OFF MY SHOES.
Helen: THE DOCTOR'S BEDSIDE MANNER
WAS A LITTLE PREVIOUS.
I WAS EMBARRASSED TO THINK FRANK MIGHT BE WATCHING.
HE WAS.
YOU'RE NOT WORSHIPPING ME.
THANK YOU.
HELEN, I MIGHT AS WELL BE HONEST.
I'M A VERY LONELY MAN.
THERE ARE TIMES THAT I FEEL...
DOCTOR, I'M NOT LONELY AT ALL.
GIVE UP THIS MAD RACE...
I'M THE MOTHER OF 8 CHILDREN.
TRAVEL TO ALL THE ROMANTIC PLACES...
I HAVE 8.
IF I COULD FIND SOMEONE TO GO WITH ME.
I DON'T THINK YOU'VE BEEN PAYING ATTENTION.
I SAID I AM THE MOTHER OF 8 CHILDREN.
I'VE ALWAYS ADMIRED A WOMAN
WITH A SENSE OF HUMOR.
I W--
Frank: MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE RANCH,
IT WAS ROUNDUP TIME.
IT'S A VERY HANDSOME FAMILY.
VERY HANDSOME.
THANK YOU.
EXCUSE ME A MOMENT, PLEASE?
OH, OF COURSE.
DR. ASHFORD?
SAYONARA.
WASN'T THAT YOUR DATE?
YES, IT WAS.
HE HAD AN EMERGENCY.
I'LL TAKE YOU HOME. HOP IN.
OH, NO, I WOULDN'T DREAM--
MADELINE DOESN'T MIND, DO YOU, MADELINE?
ARE YOU KIDDING?
YOU SEE?
Helen: SHE'S MY OLDEST GIRL.
SHE'S GOING WITH THIS BOY WHO RIDES A MOTORCYCLE,
HAS HAIR PRACTICALLY DOWN TO HIS SHOULDERS,
AND I THINK IT'S BLEACHED.
SHE NEVER TALKS TO ME OR BRINGS HIM IN.
I HARDLY KNOW WHAT TO DO.
YOU CAN'T TELL HER NOT TO SEE HIM.
IT'S LIKE SHOOTING THE STARTING GUN.
I KNOW, I KNOW. SHE'S BARELY 16.
WHEN HE BRINGS HER HOME AT NIGHT,
THEY STAY OUTSIDE, KISSING.
HEAVENS TO BETSY! WHAT WILL THEY THINK OF NEXT?
MY VERONICA, SHE'S SO BOY-CRAZY,
I'M AFRAID SHE'LL GET MARRIED
BEFORE SHE'S 9.
SHE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT SCHOOL.
THE ONLY THING SHE CAN READ
ARE PICTURES.
TOMMY'S ALMOST 9. HE CAN HARDLY READ.
JEAN, WHO'S 7, READS BETTER.
GOT THAT IN SPADES. LOUISE IS 12.
SHE CORRECTS RUSTY'S SPELLING.
TOMMY HELPS COLLEEN AND JANETTE
WITH THEIR MATH.
I DON'T BELIEVE THIS WHOLE CONVERSATION.
DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN MY SUGAR?
I HAVE A STRANGE FEELING I'M TAKING A TRIP.
HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU HAVE?
TEN.
HELEN, THERE'S NO REASON
TO AVOID SEEING EACH OTHER.
I THINK WE CERTAINLY COULD BE FRIENDS.
AND THE FACT THAT I'M A MAN
AND YOU'RE A WOMAN DOESN'T HAVE TO HAVE
ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT.
"THEN THE PAPA BEAR SAID TO MAMA BEAR,
WHO'S BEEN SLEEPING IN MY BED?"
DROP ME OFF AT THE EXIT.
YOU TWO CAN PLAY A WILD GAME OF POST OFFICE.
I COULDN'T DO THAT TO YOU.
PLEASE, DADDY. I'D PREFER IT.
10 KIDS. I'M NERVOUS SITTING NEXT TO YOU.
HELEN, WHY AM I PRETENDING?
I WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN,
AND NOT JUST TO BE FRIENDS
AND TO TALK ABOUT CHILDREN.
I WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
IN SPITE OF THE AGGRAVATION
AND THE MISERY AND YELLING,
I'M GLAD I HAVE 10 CHILDREN.
I'M GLAD I HAVE MY 8.
AND I'M GLAD I'M CAREFUL.
Helen: BETWEEN OUR WORK AND THE CHILDREN,
WE SOMEHOW WERE ABLE TO STEAL A FEW HOURS ALONE.
¶ IT'S A SOMETIMES WORLD ¶
¶ WHERE WE WANDER ALONE ¶
¶ JUST TWO ORDINARY PEOPLE ON THEIR OWN ¶
¶ FOR AN HOUR HERE OR THERE ¶
¶ WE BUILD CASTLES IN THE AIR ¶
¶ FOR THE WORLD ALWAYS CAN FIND US SOMEWHERE ¶
¶ IT'S A SOMETIMES WORLD ¶
¶ AND THE DAYS ARE SO FEW ¶
¶ MAKE EACH MOMENT BE ANOTHER DREAM COME TRUE ¶
¶ MAYBE IT COULD HAPPEN ¶
¶ SOME CRAZY THINGS DO ¶
¶ DIDN'T WE FALL IN LOVE IN A SOMETIMES WORLD? ¶
Frank: WHEN EVERY PLACE WE WENT
WAS BETTER BECAUSE WE WERE TOGETHER,
AND I SUDDENLY REALIZED THE EMPTINESS WAS GONE
AND THE WORLD JUST MIGHT BE WORTH LIVING IN,
I KNEW IT WAS TIME FOR THE ACID TEST.
I INVITED HELEN TO MY HOUSE TO MEET MY MAFIA.
Veronica: HERE SHE COMES!
WHAT DOES SHE LOOK LIKE?
MEAN. YOU CAN SEE IT IN HER EYES.
FRANK, I'M FRIGHTENED.
NOW, DON'T WORRY.
I HAD A LONG TALK WITH THE CHILDREN.
THEY'LL LOVE YOU.
WHO LOCKED THE DOOR?
SORRY, DAD.
I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER.
WELL, GROUP, THIS IS MRS. NORTH.
HELEN.
YOU KNOW LOUISE.
YES. HELLO, LOUISE.
MIKE AND RUSTY AND ROSEMARY.
HELLO.
SUSAN, VERONICA, AND GREG.
HI.
WHY DON'T WE SIT DOWN AND HAVE A DRINK?
FRANK, THIS IS ONLY 7.
MARY. WHERE'S MARY?
SHE'S HIDING.
MARY, LET'S NOT PLAY GAMES.
HELLO, MARY. I'M AUNT HELEN.
YOU'RE NOT! I DON'T WANT ANOTHER MOTHER!
I DON'T WANT ANOTHER MOTHER!
FRANK, I THINK I'M READY FOR THAT DRINK NOW.
MIKE, YOU THINK YOU CAN HANDLE THE BAR?
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE, AUNT HELEN?
I'D LIKE A SCREWDRIVER,
VERY LIGHT.
THAT'S ORANGE JUICE WITH VODKA.
I KNOW, DAD.
SORRY. I'LL HAVE SCOTCH AND WATER.
I KNOW, DAD.
I KEEP FORGETTING HE'S 18.
WAS IT A GOOD IDEA, MY COMING HERE?
OF COURSE.
IF YOU HADN'T,
YOU MIGHT HAVE BEEN HIT BY A TRUCK.
EVERYTHING'S GOING TO BE ALL RIGHT.
YOU'RE SITTING ON MY PAINTING!
OH, I'M SORRY, DEAR!
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
GREG, FILL THAT WITH ORANGE JUICE.
WHO'S IT FOR?
AUNT HELEN.
MIKE, THESE ARE FINISHED.
SUZY, TAKE THESE IN THERE.
THANK YOU.
OH, HEY, RUSTY?
YOU WANT TO BE A COCKTAIL WAITRESS?
ALL RIGHT. WHICH IS WHICH?
AUNT HELEN. UNCLE DADDY.
SEE THE TWO LITTLE BABIES?
AND THESE THREE
ARE FROM MARS, I SUPPOSE.
THEY'RE VERY GOOD.
OH, THANK YOU... RUSTY?
HOLD IT, SUSAN.
A TOAST TO OUR GUEST.
THROUGH THE TEETH AND OVER THE GUMS.
LOOK OUT, STOMACH. HERE IT COMES.
HOLD THE DYLAN THOMAS
TILL LATER.
TO OUR CHARMING DINNER GUEST,
WELCOME ABOARD.
THANK YOU.
IT'S DELICIOUS.
OH, THAT'S JUST WONDERFUL.
AND WHERE WAS VERONICA BORN?
IN JAPAN.
I CALL HER MY FORTUNE COOKIE
BECAUSE SHE CAME RIGHT AFTER DINNER.
THAT'S FUNNY.
[DING DING]
WHERE'S THE FIRE?
DINNER IS SERVED.
OH, DINNER IS SERVED.
ROSEMARY AND LOUISE COOKED DINNER THEMSELVES.
WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL!
THAT'S ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL, ROSEMARY!
I'M SUSAN.
OH, OF COURSE YOU ARE.
AND DON'T YOU EVER CHANGE, HONEY.
YOU HAVE A WONDERFUL FAMILY!
THEY'RE ALL JUST WONDERFUL!
ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL!
WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN.
JUST WONDERFUL.
WHOA! WATCH THAT FIRST STEP.
THAT'S A DILLY.
GREG, HOLD THE CHAIR FOR OUR GUEST.
THANK YOU, GREG.
I'M HUNGRY.
Frank: VERONICA.
BLESS US, LORD--
[HICCUP]
PARDON ME.
AND THY GIFTS WHICH WE ARE ABOUT TO RECEIVE.
[HICCUP]
PARDON ME.
FROM THY BOUNTY THROUGH CHRIST OUR LORD--
[HICCUP]
AMEN.
YOU ALL RIGHT?
OH, WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL.
I'M HUNGRY!
PASS THE POTATOES.
I'M HUNGRY!
HEY, I WANT THE BREAD.
CAN I HAVE SOME MILK?
WANT SOME MILK?
I CAN DO IT MYSELF.
SURE YOU CAN DO IT YOURSELF.
SURE YOU CAN.
BOY, IS IT WARM IN HERE!
DON'T YOU THINK IT'S WARM IN HERE?
YES, YOU WANT--
THERE WE GO.
YOU WANT SOME POTATOES?
THERE YOU ARE.
HEY, YOU GOT IT ON MY NEW DRESS!
OH, I'M SORRY!
HEY!
OH!
OH, GOOD HEAVENS!
OH, I'M SO SORRY!
I'M SORRY, HONEY.
OH, I'M SO SORRY.
OH, I'M SORRY.
ROSEMARY,
HELP VERONICA GET CLEANED UP.
I'LL CLEAN HER UP.
I'M SORRY.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME.
WHAT A TERRIBLE THING TO DO!
I'M SORRY.
DICK, I FEEL SICK AGAIN.
IT'S FRANK.
LORD, WHAT HAVE I DONE?
YOU HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING.
I'VE FALLEN IN LOVE, THAT'S WHAT I'VE DONE.
I PROMISED MYSELF
I'D NEVER FALL IN LOVE AGAIN.
I WANTED TO MAKE A GOOD IMPRESSION
ON YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN.
I'VE BEEN ACTING LIKE AN IDIOT,
AND I DON'T KNOW WHY.
I DON'T KNOW WHY.
OH, IF THIS DAMN ROOM WOULD STOP ROLLING AROUND,
MAYBE I COULD FIND SOMEPLACE TO BE SICK.
LOUISE, YOU BETTER SHOW MRS. NORTH THE BATHROOM.
HELP HER.
I DON'T KNOW WHY!
I DON'T KNOW WHY.
THE COURT OF INQUIRY IS NOW IN SESSION.
OH, YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO WAIT DINNER FOR ME.
WE'VE DECIDED TO USE OUR COMPANY MANNERS.
HELEN, THE BOYS
HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL YOU.
I APOLOGIZE FOR PUTTING
ALL THAT GIN IN YOUR DRINK.
OH, THAT'S WHAT DID IT.
AND I APOLOGIZE FOR ALL THAT VODKA.
AND I APOLOGIZE FOR THE SCOTCH.
SCOTCH, VODKA, AND...?
YOU'VE BEEN THE VICTIM OF AN ALCOHOLIC PEARL HARBOR.
IT'S AMAZING YOU SURVIVED AT ALL.
YOUR BARTENDERS WILL BE DEALT WITH LATER.
PLEASE DON'T BLAME THEM.
AT LEAST WHAT THEY DID WAS HONEST.
THEY DON'T WANT ANOTHER MOTHER. I DON'T BLAME THEM.
I THINK YOU SHOULD BE ON YOUR SHIP AT SEA.
THAT'S WHERE YOU BELONG.
IF THE CHILDREN DON'T WANT ME, I UNDERSTAND.
NOW HEAR THIS:
MY INTEREST IN YOU HAS NOTHING TO DO
WITH SECURING A MOTHER FOR MY CHILDREN.
THEY DON'T DESERVE ANYONE AS GOOD AS YOU.
FURTHERMORE, I HAVE NO DESIRE TO GO BACK TO SEA.
IN FACT, IF YOU'LL HAVE ME,
I'LL BE HAPPY TO REMAIN ASHORE FOREVER.
I HAPPEN TO LOVE YOU.
AND NOBODY PUT ANYTHING IN MY DRINK.
YOU MEAN THAT?
OF COURSE. THAT'S WHY I SAID IT
IN FRONT OF SO MANY WITNESSES,
UNTRUSTWORTHY THOUGH THEY MAY BE.
OH, FRANK.
I GIVE IT 6 MONTHS.
[ORGAN PLAYS WAGNER'S WEDDING MARCH]
Frank: IT WAS A TYPICAL WEDDING--
ENEMIES OF THE BRIDE ON THE RIGHT,
ENEMIES OF THE GROOM ON THE LEFT.
I'VE SEEN FIRING SQUADS WITH MORE COMPASSION.
Helen: WHEN I SAW ALL THE CHILDREN LINED UP,
I WONDERED IF FRANK AND I REALLY HAD THE RIGHT
TO DO THIS TO THEM.
JUST LOOKING AT THEM TOLD YOU WHAT THEY WERE THINKING.
ALL THOSE PHOTOGRAPHERS OUTSIDE.
THEY'RE GOING TO PLASTER OUR PICTURES
ALL OVER THE NEWSPAPERS AND TV.
WE WON'T BE A FAMILY, WE'LL BE A FREAK SHOW.
WHEN THE KIDS FIND OUT, I'LL KILL MYSELF.
I WONDER WHY THEY'RE GETTING MARRIED.
CAN THERE POSSIBLY BE
SOMETHING PHYSICAL BETWEEN THEM?
AT THEIR AGE?
YUCK!
SHE HAS MEAN EYES.
HOW CAN I DO IT TO THEM?
HOW CAN I DO IT TO FRANK?
ALL I HAVE TO DO IS BE VERY CALM,
TURN AROUND, AND RUN!
ON YOUR MARK... GET SET...
Frank: HELEN.
DAMN THE TORPEDOES-- FULL SPEED AHEAD.
WHAT'S THIS FOR?
THROW IT, STUPID!
HEY!
GET THEM OVER THERE!
YOU!
QUIT IT!
CUT IT OUT!
THE SNOW CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.
THEY STARTED IT!
THAT'S NO WAY TO ACT AT A WEDDING.
THAT'S NOT NICE!
DON'T WORRY.
WE'LL TAKE CARE OF THE CHILDREN.
SURE. EVEN IF IT KILLS US.
WELL, IT'S ONLY FOR THE WEEKEND.
GOOD-BYE, JANETTE. BE A GOOD GIRL.
GOOD-BYE, TOMMY.
GOOD-BYE, GREG.
GOOD-BYE, MIKE.
BYE, JEAN. BYE, VERONICA.
BYE.
BYE, LOUISE.
BYE.
BYE, JEAN.
YOU ALREADY KISSED ME.
I'M SORRY.
WHEN THEY FINISH,
THE HONEYMOON WILL BE OVER.
GOOD-BYE, COLLEEN.
GOOD-BYE, PHILLIP.
[SNEEZES]
WHAT'S THAT?
NOTHING.
OH...
MAYBE A PNEUMONIA.
GOOD HEAVENS. FRANK!
DOES HE HAVE A FEVER?
I DO IT BACK HERE.
HE MIGHT.
DO I HAVE TO GO TO SCHOOL?
FRANK, I CAN'T LEAVE IF PHILLIP'S SICK.
NEVER IN OUR ENTIRE LIFE WILL ALL OF OUR KIDS
BE HEALTHY AT THE SAME TIME.
LAST YEAR, HE HAD A TOUCH OF ASTHMA.
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH PHILLIP.
WOULD YOU CALL THE DOCTOR?
WE'LL PHONE YOU FROM OUR HOSPITAL--
I MEAN, HOTEL.
IF IT'S ANYTHING SERIOUS,
I'LL CALL YOU.
NO, I COULDN'T.
I WOULDN'T KNOW, WOULD I?
I'D BETTER CALL YOU EVERY HOUR.
MAKE HIM STAY IN BED
AND KEEP THE OTHERS AWAY.
BE SURE AND TELL THE DOCTOR
THAT HE'S ALLERGIC TO PENICILLIN,
ALL THE SULFAS, AND SOME MYCINS.
ALSO TELL HIM THAT LAST YEAR--
HELEN...
WE'LL GO AWAY SOME OTHER TIME.
OH, FRANK. THANK YOU.
Frank: I THOUGHT I SAW THE HOUSE CRINGE
AS WE DROVE UP.
Helen: IT HAD BEEN A DIGNIFIED, OLD VICTORIAN HOME
WHEN FRANK AND I FOUND IT--
THE ONLY ONE LARGE ENOUGH THAT WE COULD AFFORD.
Frank: THE PLUMBING WASN'T TOO MODERN
AND THE ROOF HAD TO BE REPAIRED,
BUT WE HAD BOTH FALLEN IN LOVE WITH IT
WHEN WE LEARNED IT HAD 4 BATHROOMS.
Helen: SO, IN WE MARCHED--
THE BRIDE, THE GROOM, ONE BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE...
Frank: AND 16 CHILDREN.
COME ON, DARLING. FINISH YOUR TEA.
MOTHER'S VERY TIRED AND WANTS TO GO TO BED.
IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE YOU WANT?
YEAH. I WANT TO GO HOME.
WE ARE HOME, DEAR. THIS IS WHERE WE LIVE NOW.
THEN WHY CAN'T I BE PHILLIP ANYMORE?
WHO SAYS YOU CAN'T BE?
THAT MAN.
FRANK?
YES. HE SAYS MY NAME IS 12 BLUE D.
AND IF I FORGET THAT,
I CAN'T GET INTO THE BATHROOM.
OH, THAT'S NOTHING TO BE UPSET ABOUT, DARLING.
THAT'S JUST A SYSTEM
THAT HE LEARNED IN THE NAVY.
NOW, YOU STOP WORRYING.
I'LL FIND OUT WHAT'S KEEPING THAT DOCTOR.
YOU STAY IN BED.
THERE YOU ARE, JANETTE.
YOU ARE 8 RED B.
I WAS IN FRONT OF YOU!
MARY, YOU ARE 14 RED C.
VERONICA...
WHAT AM I AGAIN?
YOU'RE 14 RED C.
EVERYBODY'S GOT A NUMBER, OLDEST TO THE YOUNGEST.
THE BATHROOMS ARE COLORS. THE BEDROOMS ARE LETTERS.
THAT MAKES YOU 14, BATHROOM RED, ROOM C.
THIS CHART SHOWS WHERE EVERYTHING IS.
COULD YOU JUST POINT?
RIGHT DOWN THE HALL.
THANK YOU.
AND, VERONICA, YOU'RE 13 RED A.
THANK YOU.
WELL, SKIPPER. HOW GOES THE BATTLE?
THEY'RE FIGHTING IT,
BUT YOU CAN'T BEAT THE SYSTEM.
I'M SORRY IF I UPSET YOUR WEDDING NIGHT.
I THOUGHT IT WAS YOURS, TOO.
I DIDN'T WANT TO SOUND ANXIOUS.
SUSAN, YOU ARE 9 RED A.
IF I CAN FIND IT.
THE CHAMPAGNE ICED?
YES. IN OUR BEDROOM IN A SHINY NEW BUCKET.
LOUISE, YOU ARE 7 RED C.
ALL RIGHT.
IF WE STAY ON SCHEDULE,
WE'LL HAVE THEM BEDDED DOWN IN A HALF-HOUR.
IT'S OUR TURN NEXT.
GREG, YOU ARE 6 BLUE B.
AYE AYE, SIR.
I'LL SEND UP A FLARE IF I GET LOST.
HOW'S PHILLIP?
I DON'T KNOW. WHAT'S KEEPING THAT DOCTOR?
PROBABLY THE RAIN.
TOMMY, YOU ARE 10 BLUE D.
WHY CAN'T I HAVE MY OWN ROOM?
BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT THE OLDEST.
YOU MEAN BECAUSE I'M NOT IN YOUR FAMILY.
TOMMY!
LOOK, YOU'RE ALL IN MY FAMILY.
YOU HAVE A BEAUTIFUL ROOM.
D--RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER.
THAT'S WHERE PHILLIP IS.
YES. NUMBER 12. YOU'RE RIGHT.
HE HAS THE FLU.
NO ONE ELSE SHOULD SLEEP THERE.
THIS SYSTEM CAN BE CHANGED IN AN INSTANT.
ALL RIGHT. NOW HEAR THIS!
ALL Cs AND Ds REPORT TO THE QUARTER-DECK.
THERE'S BEEN A SLIGHT REARRANGEMENT.
EVERYBODY BACK! EVERYBODY BACK!
WHOA! ALL RIGHT.
LIGHTS ARE OUT FOR A MINUTE,
BUT DON'T WORRY.
WE HAVE SOME EMERGENCY CANDLES
RIGHT IN HERE.
HELEN.
YES, DEAR.
FRANK, DO YOU THINK
IT'S A POWER FAILURE ALL OVER
OR JUST IN THE HOUSE?
NOW THE FLASHLIGHTS.
GREG, TAKE THESE DOWNSTAIRS.
GET SOME LIGHT DOWNSTAIRS.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE WE ARE!
Boy: WHERE'S 6 BLUE B?
THERE'S RAIN COMING THROUGH THE ROOF!
IT'S NOT POSSIBLE.
THEY JUST FINISHED RESHINGLING.
WELL, THEY'LL FINISH ON MONDAY.
I'LL GET SOME POTS.
HOW OLD IS THIS HOUSE?
NEVER MIND THAT. IT'LL BE BEAUTIFUL.
SISTER'S LOCKED IN THE BATHROOM!
WHAT SISTER?
I DON'T KNOW HER NAME YET,
BUT WE CAN'T GET IN, AND IT'S MY TURN!
[RING]
OH, MY GOD. I'M TOO LATE.
NO, DOCTOR. WE'RE NOT PRAYING.
THE LIGHTS WENT OUT.
COME ON IN. I'LL GIVE YOU A CANDLE.
WHAT HAPPENED TO THE KEY?
IT FELL OUT,
AND THE LIGHTS WENT OUT.
LIGHT YOUR CANDLE.
I CAME IN HERE BEFORE THE CANDLES.
LOOK, I'M GOING TO PASS YOU A MATCH
THROUGH THE KEYHOLE.
YOU LIGHT IT, FIND THE KEY,
AND UNLOCK THE DOOR, OK?
OK.
HERE COMES THE MATCH. YOU SEE IT?
UH-HUH.
YOU GOT IT?
I GOT IT.
LIGHT IT.
I CAN'T. WHY NOT?
MOMMY WON'T LET ME PLAY WITH MATCHES.
HELEN!
YES, DEAR, I'M COMING!
TELL HER IT'S ALL RIGHT TO LIGHT A MATCH,
FIND THE KEY, AND OPEN THE DOOR.
WHO'S IN THERE?
THE ONE THAT'S NOT ALLOWED
TO LIGHT MATCHES.
JEAN, IT'S ALL RIGHT TO LIGHT A MATCH.
EVERYBODY BACK TO YOUR ROOM.
GO BACK TO YOUR ROOM.
I'M THE DOCTOR.
HOLD YOUR CANDLE HIGHER, WILL YOU?
JEAN? JEAN, DARLING?
I DID IT! I DID IT!
YOU CERTAINLY DID, SWEETHEART.
NOW GO TO YOUR ROOM, DEAR.
I'M 11 RED A, I'M 11 RED A,
I'M 11 RED A.
CONCUSSION?
OH, NO, NO. IT'S NOT HER.
IT'S MY-- OUR BOY PHILLIP.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER I'M 14 RED X OR WHAT!
HOW DO YOU GET ANY FOOD AROUND HERE?
WHAT'S THE NAME OF THIS ORGANIZATION?
IT'S A LITTLE CONFUSING.
WE WERE JUST MARRIED TODAY.
CONGRATULATIONS.
NEXT 20 YEARS OUGHT TO BE A LULU.
Boy: IT'S MY ROOM!
OH!
OH, NO!
EXCUSE ME.
YOU GO RIGHT DOWN THERE.
[THUNDER]
YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN.
STOP IT!
THIS IS OUR ROOM!
WHAT ARE YOU TWO BOYS DOING IN HERE?
IT'S OUR ROOM.
YEAH. ROOM B.
JANETTE, COLLEEN, GET OUT THIS INSTANT!
BUT IT'S OUR ROOM.
IT'S ON THAT STUPID BOARD!
GET OUT OF HERE!
HEY! WHAT'S GOING ON IN HERE?
WHAT IS THIS?
YOUR BLUES AND GREENS
ARE WONDERFUL,
BUT YOUR HEs AND SHEs
ARE MIXED UP.
THANK GOODNESS. LET THERE BE LIGHT.
YOU BOYS PACK YOUR GEAR TOGETHER.
WE'LL STRAIGHTEN THIS THING OUT.
GIRLS, GET TO BED.
I CAN'T FIND MY PAJAMAS.
SLEEP WITHOUT THEM ONE NIGHT.
I'D RATHER DIE.
YOU DON'T CARE WHAT HAPPENS
TO OUR FAMILY, DO YOU?
COLLEEN!
MOMMY, THERE'S A MAN IN MY ROOM
TRYING TO TAKE EVERYBODY'S TEMPERATURE!
GOOD HEAVENS!
LET'S GET ORGANIZED.
OH, YOU FOUND HIM, DOCTOR.
NO. THAT'S NOT HIM.
HE DOESN'T HAVE A TEMPERATURE, EITHER.
BUT THAT'S PHILLIP.
HE'S THE ONE THAT'S SICK.
PULSE NORMAL, BLOOD PRESSURE NORMAL,
TEMPERATURE 98.6.
IN MEDICAL SCHOOL,
THEY TOLD US THAT MEANS HEALTHY.
PHILLIP!
I FEEL BETTER NOW. HE'S A GOOD DOCTOR.
OH, GOOD NEWS, MR. BEARDSLEY--
YOUR SON'S NOT SICK AT ALL.
OH, GREAT. BUT KEEP IT QUIET.
I'LL NEVER GET THE Cs AND Ds
BACK INTO B.
SORRY.
WOULD YOU CALL MY WIFE
AND TELL HER I'M ON THE WAY HOME?
AND TELL HER "THANK YOU."
FOR WHAT?
WE DON'T HAVE ANY CHILDREN.
GET OUT OF THERE!
SHE'S BEEN IN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES!
VERONICA ALWAYS TAKES AN HOUR!
GET OUT!
LISTEN, VERONICA!
THE DOOR'S LOCKED.
COME ON! GET OUT! IT'S OUR TURN!
SHE'S BEEN IN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES!
VERONICA, I JUST WANT TO BRUSH MY TEETH.
VERONICA!
IS THIS THE BEARDSLEYS' NEW HOUSE?
WE'RE DELIVERING THE BABIES.
OH, HAVE A HEART.
LEAVE THEM ON SOMEBODY ELSE'S DOORSTEP.
COME ON. HERE WE GO.
DAD! DAD! COME QUICK!
THEY'VE BROUGHT JOAN AND GERMAINE HOME.
HI.
JOAN!
GERMAINE!
HI, EVERYBODY!
Mike: IT WAS NICE OF YOU
TO BRING THEM HERE IN THE RAIN.
BLAME YOUR CRAZY FATHER.
HE INSISTED THAT THE FAMILY BE COMPLETE TONIGHT.
Nancy: AND WHEN HE USED THAT NAVY VOICE,
WE DIDN'T WANT TO BE COURTMARTIALED.
THEY CAN'T ARGUE.
AND I NEEDED SOMEONE ON MY SIDE.
LET ME SEE THAT LITTLE ANGEL.
WE'LL DROP THEIR THINGS BY IN THE MORNING.
THANK YOU, NANCY. GOOD NIGHT, HOWARD.
GOOD NIGHT, FRANK.
WHAT A LITTLE DOLL!
WELL, MURDERER'S ROW IS NOW COMPLETE.
CAN I HOLD MY SISTER?
Frank: LET'S GET ONE THING STRAIGHT.
THERE'S NO MORE "MINE," AND THERE'S NO MORE "YOURS."
FROM NOW ON, EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING IS "OURS."
ALL RIGHT, TROOP, TO BED.
IS THIS OUR HOUSE NOW?
YES, DEAR.
CAN WE INVITE SOME FRIENDS OVER?
OH.
MRS. BEARDSLEY?
HEY, YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL!
YOU MEAN FOR A MOTHER OF 18?
I MEAN FOR A BRIDE.
FRANK, THIS IS GOING TO SOUND SILLY,
BUT YOU KNOW SOMETHING? I'M NERVOUS.
YOU KNOW SOMETHING? SO AM I.
WHAT DID THAT GIRL SAY ABOUT YOU?
"YOU ARE A TIGER."
A SLIGHTLY GRAY, SLIGHTLY MIDDLE-AGED,
BUT VERY MUCH IN LOVE TIGER.
OH, FRANK.
FRANK, DO YOU THINK IT CAN WORK OUT?
WILL WE EVER, EVER REALLY BE JUST ONE FAMILY?
OF COURSE.
IT'S UP TO YOU AND ME TO SET AN EXAMPLE...
TONIGHT...
IN TOGETHERNESS.
THERE'S RAIN COMING IN OUR ROOM.
CAN WE SLEEP HERE?
PLEASE?
HEY!
I'M NOT SLEEPING IN THAT BIG ROOM ALL ALONE
IF I'M NOT EVEN SICK!
TOGETHERNESS.
[THUNDER]
Frank: EVERY MORNING AT FOUR BELLS OUR DAY BEGAN.
AFTER ALL, RUNNING A FAMILY OF 18 CHILDREN ISN'T SIMPLE,
BUT IT CAN BE DONE.
THE SECRET IS ORGANIZATION.
A JOB FOR EVERYONE, AND EVERYONE ON THE JOB.
I WAS ALWAYS THE FIRST ONE TO SPRING INTO ACTION.
MUTINY WAS SIMPLY NOT TOLERATED.
MY CREW GRUMBLED, BUT OBEYED.
THEY KNEW THEIR CAPTAIN ONLY DID WHAT WAS BEST FOR ALL.
UP ANCHOR. MAN THE MIZZEN.
FIRE WHEN READY.
MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Helen: TOMMY'S JOB WAS TO CHECK THE WEATHER REPORT
TO DETERMINE THE UNIFORM OF THE DAY.
20% CHANCE OF RAIN.
MY JOB WAS TO BRUSH MY TEETH.
IT WASN'T EASY.
MAYBE IF HE'D HELPED ME SOONER,
THEY WOULDN'T BE FALLING OUT.
Helen: EVEN WITHOUT TEETH,
BREAKFAST AT THE BEARDSLEYS INCLUDED 5 POUNDS OF BACON,
2 GALLONS OF OATMEAL,
3 DOZEN EGGS...
40 PIECES OF TOAST, UNLESS I MISSED,
AND THAT WAS ONLY TO HOLD THEM UNTIL LUNCH.
Frank: WHICH THEY COULDN'T PREPARE
WITHOUT THE OLD SKIPPER.
AFTER 20 HAPPY YEARS IN THE NAVY,
I HAD AT LEAST LEARNED HOW TO DEAL.
BREAKFAST WAS THE BEST MEAL OF THE DAY,
IF YOU HAD LONG ARMS.
I DON'T CARE MUCH FOR EGGS, ANYWAY.
I CAN LIVE WITHOUT BACON IF I HAVE TO.
SOME PEOPLE ARE PIGS ABOUT IT.
BUT IF A FELLOW CAN'T HAVE A PIECE OF TOAST,
HE'S FINISHED.
I COULD STARVE TO DEATH AT THIS TABLE,
AND NOBODY WOULD EVEN STOP EATING.
SCHOOL BUS IS COMING.
PHILLIP, STOP DAWDLING. NOW, COME ON, DEAR.
THERE WAS NOTHING ELSE TO DO.
I HAD TO INVENT THE OATMEAL SANDWICH.
COME ON, PHILLIP.
Frank: THIS IS WHERE MY SYSTEM PROVED SO VALUABLE.
THE RAIN BOOTS WERE IN ALL ONE CLOSET,
WHERE THEY COULD BE REACHED INSTANTLY.
WE HAD LEARNED TO BUY BOOTS, SHOES, AND CLOTHES
IN WHOLESALE LOTS.
SIZES DIDN'T MATTER
BECAUSE EVENTUALLY EVERYTHING FIT EVERYBODY.
ALMOST EVERYBODY.
DON'T WORRY, PHILLIP. JUST KEEP GROWING.
SOMEDAY YOU CAN FILL MY BOOTS.
THAT'S MY BROTHER.
HI, LARRY.
HEY. THE GANG IS THROWING A FREAK-OUT TONIGHT
AT THE BEACH HOUSE.
TELL YOUR PARENTS WE'RE GOING TO A MOVIE.
LARRY, I COULDN'T.
OH, HERE WE GO AGAIN.
WHY NOT?
I'VE HEARD ABOUT THOSE PARTIES.
SO HAVE I.
I'M NOT GOING.
YOU ARE UNBELIEVABLE.
IT'S THAT RIDICULOUS FAMILY OF YOURS.
YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY MEDIEVAL!
YOU'RE SO HUNG UP, IT'S PATHETIC!
YOU'RE A SEX MANIAC!
THEN I'M THE WORLD'S MOST FRUSTRATED SEX MANIAC!
AND I'M ALMOST OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL!
BIG DEAL!
OH!
THAT'S FINE.
CHILDREN, FINISH UP YOUR PROBLEMS
AND BRING IN YOUR PAPERS.
THANK YOU.
PHILLIP?
YOU DIDN'T SIGN YOUR PAPER PROPERLY.
YOUR NAME IS PHILLIP NORTH.
I'M PHILLIP BEARDSLEY.
WE WENT TO CHURCH, AND WE WERE ALL MARRIED.
I'M PHILLIP BEARDSLEY.
NO, NOT LEGALLY.
WE MUST SIGN OUR LEGAL NAMES
IN SCHOOL, MUSTN'T WE?
BEARDSLEY.
NORTH! NORTH! NORTH!
BEARDSLEY! BEARDSLEY!
I GOT HERE AS FAST AS I COULD.
WHAT IS IT THIS TIME?
WHY DON'T YOU ASK PHILLIP?
PHILLIP?
DARLING, WHAT HAPPENED?
NOTHING.
WHO DID THAT TO YOU?
ONE OF THE KIDS. SHE STARTED IT.
SHE SAYS I'M NOT LEGAL.
WHAT?
AND MIKE ISN'T MY BROTHER.
OF COURSE HE'S YOUR BROTHER.
THEN MY NAME'S PHILLIP BEARDSLEY.
PHILLIP NORTH.
THERE SHE GOES AGAIN.
SISTER, COULDN'T YOU, UH...
COULDN'T YOU JUST CALL HIM PHILLIP BEARDSLEY?
I'M SORRY, BUT THE SCHOOL REQUIRES
THAT WE USE THEIR LEGAL NAMES.
LET'S GO TO ANOTHER SCHOOL.
SISTER, I UNDERSTAND YOUR LEGAL PROBLEM,
BUT YOU MUST TRY TO UNDERSTAND MINE.
YOU SEE, I'M TRYING TO BRING TWO FAMILIES TOGETHER,
AND THIS IS THE FIRST SIGN
THAT I MAY BE SUCCEEDING,
SO I REALLY WOULD APPRECIATE IT
IF YOU'D LET PHILLIP SIGN HIS NAME "BEARDSLEY."
BUT LEGALLY, IT'S NORTH.
BUT IT'S MORE IMPORTANT THAT,
EMOTIONALLY, IT'S BEARDSLEY.
NORTH.
BEARDSLEY!
NORTH!
BEARDSLEY! BEARDSLEY!
WATCH OUT, MOM. YOU MIGHT GET A BLACK EYE.
YOU MEAN I ADOPT YOUR CHILDREN,
AND YOU WANT TO ADOPT MINE?
YES. THAT WAY WE'LL REALLY BE ONE FAMILY.
YOUR CHILDREN WILL HAVE A MOTHER LEGALLY,
AND MINE WILL HAVE A FATHER LEGALLY.
THEY'LL BE PROTECTED
IF ANYTHING HAPPENS TO EITHER ONE OF US.
STRAWBERRY OR RASPBERRY?
APRICOT.
IN THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA
IT COSTS $250 JUST TO ADOPT ONE CHILD.
A LOT OF MONEY FOR A FORMALITY.
A BLACK EYE ISN'T A FORMALITY.
HOW MUCH MILK?
20 QUARTS.
16...18...
20.
WHAT WE OUGHT TO ADOPT IS A COW.
THESE ARE FOR DAD.
250 TIMES 18 IS $4,500.
HOW DID YOU FIGURE THAT OUT SO FAST?
SHEER PANIC.
HELLO, MR. BEARDSLEY.
SHOULD I WRAP IT, OR ARE YOU EATING HERE?
ALL RIGHT, HARRY. JUST CALL OUT THE RESERVES.
DAVE, JACK, IT'S AN EMERGENCY.
THE BEARDSLEYS ARE HERE. MORE BOXES.
FRANK, YOU KNOW WHAT I'D LIKE FOR CHRISTMAS?
DON'T BUY ME ANYTHING.
THE MOST EXPENSIVE GIFT IS WHEN THE WIFE SAYS,
"DON'T BUY ME ANYTHING."
IF WE DIDN'T GIVE EACH OTHER CHRISTMAS GIFTS,
AND IF WE DIDN'T GET THE NEW CAR
AND WE CUT DOWN ON THE LITTLE THINGS,
THE THINGS WE DON'T REALLY NEED,
COULDN'T WE AFFORD TO ADOPT OUR KIDS?
THANK YOU, DAD!
WOULD YOU PUT THESE BACK?
IS THAT IT?
THAT'S IT.
WOULD YOU CARE TO CHECK IT?
HOW COULD YOU DECIDE SOMETHING LIKE THAT
WITHOUT ASKING US?
WE THOUGHT YOU CHILDREN WOULD BE HAPPY TO BE ADOPTED.
HAPPY TO FORGET OUR REAL FATHER'S NAME?
AND GET LOST IN A JUNGLE FULL OF BEARDSLEYS?
JUST A MINUTE.
MOTHER, THAT'S THE MOST AWFUL THING I'VE EVER HEARD!
HE'S HARDLY BEEN GONE A YEAR,
AND YOU'RE WIPING HIM OUT OF YOUR LIFE
AS IF HE NEVER EXISTED.
AND I THOUGHT YOU LOVED HIM.
OHH!
I LIKE BEARDSLEY.
OH, YOU BE QUIET! AND, NO, I DON'T WANT ANY DESSERT.
I'LL TAKE HIS.
SORRY. I DIDN'T THINK
I WAS COMMITTING A FEDERAL OFFENSE.
I THOUGHT THEY'D WANT ME FOR A FATHER.
NOW YOU KNOW
WHAT THEY THINK OF YOU.
STAY OUT OF IT.
IT'S THEIR PROBLEM.
NOW, WAIT, ROSEMARY. IT'S NOT JUST THEIR PROBLEM.
I WAS PLANNING ON ADOPTING ALL YOU CHILDREN, TOO.
WAS THAT PART OF THE DEAL?
YES.
I THOUGHT EVERYBODY UNDERSTOOD THAT.
WE WANT THIS TO BE ONE FAMILY.
EXCUSE ME.
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH HIM?
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
I GOT TO DO MY HOMEWORK.
HOMEWORK? HE'S REALLY SHOOK.
Rosemary: WHY SHOULDN'T HE BE?
WE LOVED OUR MOTHER JUST AS MUCH
AS THEY LOVED THEIR FATHER.
I KNOW THAT, ROSEMARY.
AND NOW YOU'RE ASKING US TO BURY HER AGAIN?
WHO'S GETTING BURIED?
SHH! COME ON. WE'LL GET YOU WASHED.
EXCUSE ME!
[SOBBING]
I CAN'T EAT IF EVERYBODY'S GOING TO CRY!
FRANK, HOW COULD WE HAVE BEEN SO WRONG?
I FEEL LIKE A MURDERER.
Darrell: MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYBODY!
[CRYING]
MERRY, MERRY, MERRY--
MERRY.
WHAT A LETDOWN!
I WALKED IN HERE, FULL OF THE OLD CHRISTMAS SPIRIT,
READY TO TELL YOU THE GOOD NEWS,
AND IT'S A DISASTER AREA.
WHAT'S THE GOOD NEWS? I COULD USE SOME.
DIDN'T FRANK TELL YOU?
DIDN'T YOU KNOW YOU WERE MARRIED TO EDISON?
I AM?
THE NEW FRESNEL LENS LANDING SYSTEM
FRANK AND I HAVE BEEN WORKING ON
HAS BEEN ACCEPTED BY THE NAVY.
FRANK, THAT'S WONDERFUL.
IT'S ONLY ACCEPTED FOR TESTING.
IT'S GOING ON SHAKEDOWN ON THE BIG "E."
THAT'S COOL!
WHEN ARE YOU TAKING IT OUT?
I'M NOT.
I'VE VOLUNTEERED TO HANDLE IT FOR HIM.
DAD, IT'S YOUR PROJECT. HOW COME YOU'RE NOT GOING?
I FELT IT WASN'T RIGHT TO LEAVE MY FAMILY.
A SHAKEDOWN'S ONLY A COUPLE WEEKS.
YOU ALWAYS USED TO.
THINGS ARE A LITTLE DIFFERENT NOW.
BOY, THAT REALLY STINKS!
IF YOU DON'T MIND,
I'D RATHER NOT TALK ABOUT IT.
BIG MOUTH.
FRANK...
BOY, YOU REALLY SANK THE NAVY,
DIDN'T YOU?
I--
FRANK...
YEAH?
YOU REALLY DO WANT TO GO TO SEA AGAIN, DON'T YOU?
I'M NOT GOING TO PRETEND.
THERE'S NO HALO ON ME.
SURE, I SUPPOSE
I'M A LITTLE ENVIOUS OF DARRELL,
BUT WHEN I SIGNED ON FOR THIS CRUISE,
I KNEW IT WAS FOR THE DURATION.
YOU MAKE ME FEEL AS IF I'M WORLD WAR III.
WELL, YOU SHOULDN'T.
HELEN, I WANT YOU TO KNOW SOMETHING
IF YOU DON'T ALREADY.
I'M HAPPIER THAN I'VE EVER BEEN.
YOU SEE, I'VE ALREADY GOTTEN
WHAT I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS.
THANK YOU.
I'M GLAD YOU ADOPTED ME.
SO AM I.
HE'S BEEN HERE! HE'S BEEN HERE! SANTA CLAUS HAS BEEN HERE!
SANTA CLAUS HAS BEEN HERE!
LET ME OUT! I WANNA GET OUT!
I WANT TO GET TO THE PRESENTS!
LET ME OUT! I WANT TO GET TO THE PRESENTS.
FRANK! FRANK, WHERE ARE YOU? YOU'RE MISSING CHRISTMAS!
FRANK!
HEY, WHAT DID YOU GET?
OH, IS THIS FOR ME?
FRANK, WHERE ARE YOU? YOU'RE MISSING EVERYTHING!
FRANK, YOU'RE MISSING IT! WHERE ARE YOU?
OK.
FRANK, WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?
I'M AN ELF.
BUT YOU HAVEN'T BEEN TO BED AT ALL.
LOOK, I'VE HAD 6 SCOOTERS, 3 WAGONS,
A FIRE ENGINE, AND THE LAST BICYCLE.
GENERAL MOTORS COULDN'T HAVE KEPT UP.
WELL, HURRY UP, DEAR.
DOES ANYBODY KNOW WHERE THE PACKAGE IS FOR YOUR DAD,
THE RED AND WHITE PACKAGE?
HERE IT IS!
THANK YOU, DARLING. THANK YOU.
SANTA CLAUS BROUGHT SO MANY PRESENTS,
HE HAD TO LEAVE SOME IN THE CLOSET.
IS IT FOR PHILLIP NORTH?
I WROTE MY LEGAL NAME.
I DIDN'T WANT ANY TROUBLE WITH HIM.
IT SAYS "PHILLIP NORTH BEARDSLEY."
THAT TAKES CARE OF IT.
OH, BOY!
IT HAD MY NAME ON IT, ALL RIGHT.
WELL, WE'LL GET AN ELF OVER HERE
TO FIX IT UP. GREG?
DARLING, HE'LL FIX IT.
YOU'RE NOT AN ELF.
WELL, I'M PRACTICING. COME ON.
WE'LL FIX IT.
FRANK, THIS IS FOR YOU.
OHH!
WELL, GO AHEAD. OPEN IT!
MOMMY, LOOK WHAT I GOT!
THAT'S BEAUTIFUL, DARLING!
SUSAN, DON'T EAT THE ORNAMENTS
OFF THE TREE UNTIL LATER.
SANTA CLAUS MADE A MISTAKE.
MAYBE THIS IS FOR TOMMY.
NO, DEAR. I THINK THIS IS FOR YOU.
I DON'T GET IT.
BON VOYAGE.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
WELL, EVERYBODY ELSE GOT WHAT THEY REALLY WANTED.
WHY NOT YOU?
DAD CAN GO ON THE ENTERPRISE?
THAT'S GREAT!
DID IT EVER OCCUR TO ANYBODY
THAT I MIGHT KNOW WHERE MY DUTY LIES
AND PREFER TO LOOK AFTER MY FAMILY?
COMPLAIN FOR A FEW MORE MINUTES BEFORE YOU AGREE.
I'LL ANSWER THE PHONE.
IF SHE THINKS I HAVE ANY INTENTION OF--
HOW LONG WILL YOU BE GONE?
ABOUT 6 WEEKS.
WELL, WHEN ARE WE GOING
TO SING CHRISTMAS CAROLS, HUH?
DOCTOR, THIS IS CHRISTMAS, NOT APRIL FOOL.
ARE YOU SURE?
MY DEAR MRS. BEARDSLEY,
THE REASON I AM IN MY OFFICE ON CHRISTMAS DAY
IS BECAUSE I WANTED
TO CHECK THE LAB REPORT PERSONALLY.
YOU DO NOT HAVE INDIGESTION, ILEITIS,
OR DIVERTICULITIS.
WHAT YOU HAVE IS A SIMPLE CASE
OF PREGNANCY-- P-R-E-G--
DOCTOR, IF ANYBODY KNOWS HOW TO SPELL IT, I DO.
THANKS FOR CALLING.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
HO HO HO!
¶ SILENT NIGHT ¶
¶ HOLY NIGHT... ¶
WHO WAS IT?
WRONG NUMBER.
OH.
¶ ALL IS BRIGHT ¶
¶ ROUND YON VIRGIN ¶
¶ MOTHER AND CHILD ¶
¶ HOLY INFANT ¶
¶ SO TENDER AND MILD ¶
¶ SLEEP IN HEAVENLY ¶
¶ PEACE ¶
¶ SLEEP IN HEAVENLY ¶
¶ PEACE ¶
Frank: AND SO THE SKIPPER WENT BACK TO SEA,
PROTESTING UNTIL THE SHIP WAS OUT OF HEARING.
Helen: "DARLING, ALWAYS THE SAME.
"THE DAYS SPEED BY,
"BUT THE NIGHTS GO VERY SLOWLY.
"YOU MISSED A WONDERFUL DAY TODAY.
"SUSAN STOPPED EATING!
"A BOY INVITED HER TO HER FIRST DANCE,
"AND SHE INSISTED ON BUYING THIS DRESS.
"AS YOU CAN SEE BY THE PICTURE,
"SHE'S STILL GOT A FEW POUNDS TO GO BEFORE SATURDAY NIGHT.
OH, WHAT WE GIRLS GO THROUGH FOR OUR MEN."
Frank: "DEAREST MOTHER OF 18,
"MILITARY SECURITY BEING WHAT IT IS,
"I CAN'T TELL YOU WHERE WE ARE,
"BUT THE ENCLOSED PHOTOGRAPH OF DARRELL AND ME
"MAY GIVE YOU SOME IDEA.
I'M THE SEXY ONE."
Helen: MIKE'S LETTER
WAS FROM THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
IT SAID, "GREETINGS..."
DEEP BREATH. HOLD IT. EXHALE.
THAT'S FINE, SON.
NAME?
MICHAEL FRANCIS BEARDSLEY.
HELLO, MIKE.
HIYA, DOC.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING AT THE DRAFT BOARD?
SACRIFICING ONE AFTERNOON A WEEK FOR MY COUNTRY.
HOW'S YOUR MOTHER?
YOU MEAN MY STEPMOTHER.
SHE'S FINE, I GUESS.
NO MORNING SICKNESS?
NO, DOC. I FEEL FINE.
NOT YOU, YOUR MOTHER.
WHY SHOULD SHE HAVE MO--
MORNING SICKNESS?
WE NEED A SAMPLE OF YOUR BLOOD.
TAKE IT ALL.
OH, HI, MIKE. HOW DID THE PHYSICAL GO?
WELL, THEY TOOK INVENTORY.
I HAD ENOUGH PARTS.
MIKE, HOW DO YOU REALLY FEEL
ABOUT THE WHOLE THING?
WHOOPIE.
YEAH, I UNDERSTAND.
WHERE ARE THE GIRLS? SHOULD YOU BE DOING THAT?
WHY SHOULDN'T I?
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
NOTHING WITH ME,
BUT YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR MIND.
DOES IT SHOW THAT MUCH?
NO, BUT GUESS WHO THE DOCTOR WAS
AT THE DRAFT BOARD.
OH, I OUGHT TO REPORT HIM
TO THE MEDICAL ASSOCIATION.
NO. HE'S GOING TO REPORT YOU.
BRING THAT OVER FOR ME, WILL YOU?
YOU KNEW ABOUT IT CHRISTMAS DAY, DIDN'T YOU?
AND YOU STILL LET DAD SHIP OUT.
YES.
WHY?
HE WANTED SO MUCH TO GO.
2 PEOPLE CAN'T LIVE
WITH AN OCEAN BETWEEN THEM
FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES.
AND IF YOU WRITE HIM, I'LL SHOOT YOU.
YOU WOULD, TOO.
I'D JUST AS SOON HE DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT THIS DRAFT THING.
WHY NOT? CAN'T WE TELL HIM ANYTHING?
I'M THINKING ABOUT THE MARINES.
THAT WOULD DRIVE HIM OUT OF HIS SKULL.
OH. OK.
DO YOU REALLY WANT THIS BABY?
VERY MUCH.
SEE, HE WON'T HAVE TO WORRY
WHETHER HE'S A BEARDSLEY OR A NORTH.
Frank: THE NAVY, LIKE A WOMAN,
HAS A WAY OF CHANGING ITS MIND.
OUR SHORT CRUISE WAS EXTENDED SO OFTEN
WE LOST ALL TRACK OF TIME UNTIL ONE DAY
WHEN THE MAIL PLANE CAUGHT UP WITH US.
DARRELL, WE'RE PREGNANT!
WE'RE WHAT?
MIKE'S LETTER!
WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A BABY! OUR FIRST!
YOUR FIRST? YOU CAN'T EVEN COUNT.
NO WONDER IT HAPPENED. WHEN IS SHE DUE?
HE DOESN'T SAY.
OH, NO. NO.
I'LL READ HELEN'S AGAIN. OPEN SOME OF THOSE.
OK. HERE'S ONE FROM MARY. IT HAS STRAWBERRY JAM.
HELEN DOESN'T MENTION IT.
PHILLIP GAVE YOU A TOOTH.
THANKS. COLLEEN'S IN LOVE.
WHAT, AGAIN?
WAIT. YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH ON-THE-JOB TRAINING.
CAN'T YOU FIGURE OUT THE DATE?
IT CAN'T BE SOON.
HELEN WOULD HAVE TOLD ME.
NOW, MAYBE SHE DOESN'T TELL YOU EVERYTHING.
UNLESS VERONICA IS AN IMPRESSIONIST,
NUMBER 19 IS ABOUT TO BE LAUNCHED.
I'VE GOT TO GET ON THAT MAIL PLANE
BEFORE IT TAKES OFF.
[LOUD ENGINE NOISE]
Frank: VERONICA'S ARTISTIC ENDEAVOR
WAS NOT QUITE ACCURATE.
A MONTH LATER, WE WERE STILL WAITING FOR THE STORK.
EVERY NIGHT, WE WOULD GO TO BED WONDERING IF THIS WERE D-DAY.
NATURALLY, HELEN WAS THE MOST NERVOUS OF ALL.
IT WAS COMPOUNDED BY THE TENSION
ABOUT MIKE AND THE DRAFT.
SHE KEPT GETTING MORE EXCITABLE, ANXIOUS,
AND EMOTIONAL.
WHY CAN'T A WOMAN BE MORE LIKE A MAN?
Frank?
WHAT?
DON'T MAKE NOISE.
YOU'LL WAKE THE CHILDREN.
I JUST WANT A GLASS OF WATER.
WHY ARE YOU MAKING THAT TERRIBLE FACE?
I JUST HAVE A LITTLE INDIGESTION.
HOW OFTEN DO YOU HAVE THAT INDIGESTION?
ABOUT EVERY 15 MINUTES.
THAT'S IT. STAY CALM. EVERYTHING'S ORGANIZED.
DON'T WORRY. EVERYTHING'S--
I'VE LAID IT ALL OUT.
YEAH. DON'T RUSH, NOW, FRANK.
I'M ALL RIGHT.
DON'T GET EXCITED.
THERE'S PLENTY OF TIME. BUT HURRY!
WE'LL GET YOU THERE.
STAY CALM.
RED ALERT!
MIKE, GET THE CAR AND WARM IT UP.
NICKY, GET HER BAG, QUICKLY!
ROSEMARY, LOUISE, TOMMY, GET SOME BLANKETS AND PILLOWS
FOR THE BACK OF THE STATION WAGON.
PHILLIP, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
GOING TO THE BATHROOM.
IS THE STORK COMING?
MAYBE A WHOLE FLOCK OF STORKS.
I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT.
HEY! MIKE! WHAT--
STOP IT!
HEY! MIKE!
HEY! WHAT THE-- WHAT IS IT?
KNOCK IT OFF. NOW, LISTEN.
LARRY, WHAT ARE YOU--MIKE!
WILL YOU BREAK IT UP?
KNOCK IT OFF!
LARRY, WHY ARE YOU HERE AT THIS HOUR?
DAD, MOM WANTS YOU RIGHT AWAY!
I'M HYSTERICAL ENOUGH WITHOUT YOUR HELP.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
NOTHING! THAT'S THE WHOLE PROBLEM
WITH YOUR DAUGHTER.
MIKE, WILL YOU-- LOOK AT YOU!
YOU TWO, ARE YOU CRAZY?
[CRASH]
[STUCK HORN]
MY BIKE!
YOU ALL RIGHT?
HEY, MAN, DON'T YOU KNOW HOW TO DRIVE?
LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO MY BIKE!
MY MOTHER'S HAVING A BABY.
BIKE'S JAMMED UNDERNEATH THE CAR.
DAD! MOM SAID THEY'RE COMING 6 MINUTES APART.
WHAT'LL WE DO?
GET A CROWBAR AND PRY IT LOOSE.
WHAT?!
NOT YOU!
DADDY, CAN I GO TO BED NOW?
OF COURSE.
PLEASE, I CAN'T TALK TO MOTHER NOW,
AND I NEED TO TALK TO SOMEBODY.
WELL, TALK FAST.
LARRY SAYS HE'LL NEVER SPEAK TO ME AGAIN
UNLESS I GROW UP.
HE SAYS THAT I'M BEING RIDICULOUS
AND DON'T LOVE HIM, BUT I DO.
AM I BEING RIDICULOUS?
YOU'RE NOT BEING RIDICULOUS.
DO ALL THE OTHER GIRLS?
AM I BEING OLD-FASHIONED?
I HEARD THE SAME RUMORS AT YOUR AGE.
BUT IF ALL THE GIRLS DID,
HOW COME I ALWAYS MET THOSE WHO DIDN'T?
BUT IT'S ALL DIFFERENT NOW.
NO, THEY WROTE FANNY HILL IN 1742
AND HAVEN'T FOUND ANYTHING NEW SINCE.
WHO'S FANNY HILL?
GO TO BED, THAT'S WHO.
READY, HONEY?
THANK YOU, DEAR. OH, BOY, AM I READY!
FRANK, I THINK YOU'LL HAVE TO HELP ME.
YOU ALL RIGHT?
YEAH. I'M ALL RIGHT, DEAR.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE TIME TO TALK ABOUT IT, BUT--
I'VE GOT A MESSAGE FOR LARRY.
YOU TELL HIM THIS IS WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT.
THIS IS THE REAL HAPPENING.
WANT TO KNOW WHAT LOVE IS? LOOK AROUND YOU.
WHAT ARE YOU TWO TALKING ABOUT?
LOOK AT YOUR MOTHER.
NOT NOW.
YES, NOW. IT'S GIVING LIFE THAT COUNTS.
UNTIL YOU'RE READY FOR IT, THE REST IS A BIG FRAUD.
ALL THE CRAZY HAIRCUTS IN THE WORLD
WON'T KEEP IT TURNING.
LIFE ISN'T A LOVE-IN.
IT'S THE DISHES AND THE ORTHODONTIST,
AND THE SHOE REPAIRMAN,
AND GROUND ROUND INSTEAD OF ROAST BEEF.
AND I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING ELSE.
IT ISN'T GOING TO BED WITH A MAN
THAT PROVES YOU LOVE HIM.
IT'S GETTING UP IN THE MORNING
AND FACING THE DRAB, MISERABLE, WONDERFUL,
EVERYDAY WORLD WITH HIM.
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, MOTHER?
YES, DEAR.
YOU KIDS GET BACK TO BED.
GO TO BED.
NIGHT, MOMMY.
GOOD NIGHT, DEAR.
YOU ALL RIGHT?
I SUPPOSE HAVING 19 KIDS
IS CARRYING IT TOO FAR,
BUT IF WE DID IT OVER, WHO WOULD WE SKIP?
ALL TOGETHER, NOW, ON 3. 1, 2, 3.
COME ON. THIS IS LIGHT.
YOU GOT IT OUT?
WE GOT IT OUT, DAD.
TAKE IT EASY, DARLING. I'LL GET YOUR LEGS.
THANK YOU, FRANK. I NEVER QUITE KNEW
HOW TO EXPLAIN IT TO HER.
IF WE DON'T GET YOU TO THE HOSPITAL FAST,
THE REST WILL BE EXPLAINED RIGHT HERE.
SEE YOU LATER, DAD.
GOOD LUCK.
BYE. BYE.
HEY, DAD, THE HOSPITAL'S THAT WAY!
[TIRES SQUEAL]
YOU'D THINK HE'D KNOW BY NOW.
BYE. BYE. BYE.
YOU'D THINK THAT WAS THEIR FIRST ONE.
OH, WHY DON'T YOU GET A HAIRCUT? OH!
OH, I'M SORRY, FRANK.
I'LL ASK THE NURSE.
THEY WON'T LET THE CHILDREN IN.
I TOLD YOU. HOSPITAL RULES.
COULD YOU HOLD HIM UP TO THE WINDOW?
HE SAID THEY'RE ALL WAITING ON THE LAWN.
OF COURSE.
IS MY FAMILY OUT THERE?
NOT ONLY THE FAMILY.
HE MUST HAVE BROUGHT THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.
THAT NEIGHBORHOOD IS MY FAMILY.
HONEY, YOU BETTER LIE DOWN,
AND IF I WERE YOU, I WOULDN'T GET UP FOR 3 MONTHS.
IS HE MY BROTHER OR YOUR BROTHER?
HE'S BOTH OUR BROTHERS.
EVEN TO A NUN, LIKE SISTER MARY?
EVEN TO SISTER MARY.
BOY, IS HE LUCKY!
PETITIONER FRANCIS LOUIS BEARDSLEY,
STEP FORWARD, PLEASE.
YOU ARE MARRIED TO THE MOTHER OF THESE CHILDREN?
YES, SIR.
HAS YOUR WIFE CONSENTED TO THE ADOPTION OF THE MINOR--
IT WAS HER IDEA.
IF I'M BEING ADOPTED, WHY CAN'T I TALK?
DON'T QUESTION THE WORKINGS
OF A DEMOCRACY, YOUNG MAN...
AT LEAST UNTIL YOU'RE 7.
HAS YOUR WIFE CONSENTED?
YES, SIR.
WILL YOU, THEREFORE, EXECUTE AN AGREEMENT
IN THE PRESENCE OF THE COURT THAT THE CHILDREN
SHALL BE TREATED IN ALL RESPECTS
AS YOUR-- [AHEM]
THANK YOU.
THAT THE CHILDREN SHALL BE TREATED
IN EVERY RESPECT AS YOUR LAWFUL CHILDREN
AND SHALL HEREAFTER BE KNOWN AS...
COLLEEN MARIE BEARDSLEY...
JANETTE DEEN BEARDSLEY...
NICHOLAS RICHARD BEARDSLEY...
THOMAS RODERICK BEARDSLEY...
JEAN LOUISE BEARDSLEY...
PHILLIP ANTHONY BEARDSLEY...
I'M LEGAL.
GERALD JOSEPH BEARDSLEY...
AND TERESA ROSE BEARDSLEY.
WILL YOU HAND THESE TO THE CLERK, PLEASE?
THANK YOU.
HELEN NORTH BEARDSLEY.
YES, SIR.
THERE'S BEEN GREAT FEAR EXPRESSED BY MANY PEOPLE
THAT NO ONE WOMAN CAN GIVE THIS LARGE NUMBER OF CHILDREN
SUFFICIENT ATTENTION AND AFFECTION
TO ALLOW THEM TO GROW UP IN A HEALTHY ATMOSPHERE,
BUT IN OUR INVESTIGATION, THE REVERSE IS TRUE.
ALL THE CHILDREN SEEM TO BE HAPPY, WELL-FED, AND NORMAL,
THE HOUSE AMAZINGLY CLEAN AND IN GOOD ORDER.
MY WIFE HAS 2 CHILDREN, ONE POODLE, AND A FULL-TIME MAID
AND CAN'T SEEM TO MANAGE ANYTHING.
WHAT IS YOUR SECRET?
WELL, SIR... A GREAT DEAL OF LOVE,
A LITTLE DISCIPLINE,
AND A HUSBAND WHO DOESN'T CRITICIZE.
[AHEM]
MICHAEL FRANCIS BEARDSLEY...
CHARLES WILLIAM BEARDSLEY...
AND SO FORTH AND SO FORTH BEARDSLEY.
WILL THE MINORS STEP FORWARD, PLEASE?
MICHAEL FRANCIS BEARDSLEY, DO YOU--
YES, SIR, I DO.
I HAVEN'T ASKED THE QUESTION.
WELL, I HAVE TO LEAVE FOR CAMP PENDLETON SOON.
I WAS TRYING TO SPEED THINGS UP.
BESIDES, IT DOESN'T MATTER MUCH WHAT THIS COURT DOES.
WE HELD OUR OWN MEETING YESTERDAY,
AND IF YOU'RE INTERESTED IN DEMOCRACY,
HELEN NORTH BEARDSLEY WAS UNANIMOUSLY ELECTED
OUR MOTHER...FOR LIFE.
THREE CHEERS FOR HELEN NORTH BEARDSLEY!
YAY! YAY!
HERE HE COMES.
WELL, LET'S NOT GET STICKY ABOUT THIS.
NEVER SAW YOU CARRY A BAG FOR YOUR MOTHER.
MOM'S NOT IN THE MARINES.
THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK.
MIKE, THIS SOUNDS CRAZY,
BUT IT'S GOING TO BE LONESOME AROUND HERE.
WITH THIS MOB?
GOOD LUCK.
SURE YOU DON'T WANT A RIDE TO THE BUS STATION?
NO, THANKS, DAD. I'D RATHER WALK.
BYE, MIKE.
SO LONG, MIKE.
NOW, YOU TAKE IT EASY, PHILLIP.
OK.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
HOW ABOUT WASHINGTON'S FAREWELL TO THE TROOPS?
HA HA HA!
WELL, SO LONG.
DON'T EVERYBODY WRITE AT ONCE, HUH?
SO LONG, MIKE.
GOOD-BYE, MIKE.
BYE!
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY MGM HOME ENTERTAINMENT
CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE --www.ncicap.org--
¶ SOMETIMES IT SEEMS LIKE WE'RE GOIN' ROUND IN CIRCLES ¶
¶ AND WE GET HUNG UP ON EVERY LITTLE THING ¶
¶ PICK UP YOUR TOYS ¶
¶ MAKE YOUR BED ¶
¶ OFF THE TELEPHONE ¶
¶ WHY DO THEY ACT JUST LIKE CHILDREN? ¶
¶ IT'S A GARDEN THAT'S FULL OF NOISY FLOWERS ¶
¶ AND THEY'RE ALL YOURS ¶
¶ MINE ¶
¶ AND OURS ¶
¶ WE RISE AND SHINE EVERY MORNING BRIGHT AND EARLY ¶
¶ GO SOMEWHERE ELSE IF YOU WANT TO SLEEP TILL NOON ¶
¶ BICYCLE-RIDING AND SKATING ¶
¶ HAND-HOLDING AND DATING ¶
¶ THE SOUND OF GUITARS NOT QUITE IN TUNE ¶
¶ JUST LIKE A SHIP SAILING HOME ACROSS THE OCEAN ¶
¶ SOME DAYS ARE CALM, BUT YOU KNOW WHEN IT GETS ROUGH ¶
¶ IT'S GONNA TAKE EVERYBODY ¶
¶ ALL HANDS ON DECK ¶
¶ IF WE WORK TOGETHER, WE'LL MAKE IT ¶
¶ WHEN WE DOCK, THEY'LL BE THROWING RICE AND FLOWERS ¶
¶ AND THEY'LL BE YOURS ¶
¶ MINE ¶
EVERYBODY!
¶ AND THEY'LL BE YOURS ¶
¶ MINE ¶
¶ AND OURS ¶